I have been in relationships all my life. At 18, I fell in love with my ex-husband. We were young & naïve, but who isn’t the first time around? I spent 11 years with him & he is the father of my only child. At the age of 29, I realized I wasn’t happy & he wasn’t ever going to change. He loved his booze more than his family. There was no deep connection & his paternal skills were less than adequate. Right before my 29th birthday, I told him I wasn’t happy & I needed more out of life. So I left.
4 days, yes days, I met a woman. Much to my surprise, we connected & had an amazing attraction. I was scared & confused. My best friend was gay so I had been around the gay community for many years but never had any interest. I even recall saying to her “I don’t know how you do it, I can’t imagine being with a woman”. How wrong I was. She & I fell head over heels, it was this amazing love that I had never experienced. She was overly giving & affectionate. She knew how to show me she loved me every day. It truly was being in love with your best friend. We could talk about anything, though deep conversations weren’t really her thing. She knew how to win your heart & win it fast. We ended up engaged, bought a house & raised my son & our furbabies for 15 years. Other than typical “mundane” shit that relationships go through, we (or at least I thought) were very happy & content. We were meant to be, no matter what. A psychic once told us we were “Twin Flames”, after reading up on the dynamics of Twin Flames, I can see how we fit this mold & sadly it is not always a good thing.
11 years in, she felt she wasn’t happy & told me she didn’t know what she wanted so she needed a break to figure things out. This is where the first incident of infidelity happened as she wasn’t being 100% honest by not telling me that she was interested & “seeing” someone else during this so called “break”. After 3 long, grueling months she came back. Life was good, actually it was fucking amazing. The bond & love between us grew every day. Sure the first year was rough, we had to re-build trust but with much effort, it happened & we were engaged again & planning our wedding. Then it happened again, just last September she felt she was “unhappy” again. Not that she told me this, of course not! Instead, I had to find her flirting with another girl from her work via FB. When I called her out on it, it was her escape. She AGAIN said she wasn’t happy & was sure this time & that was that. 4 months later, our house is pending sale, neither of us live there at the moment & we both are in new relationships. How quickly your life can totally change in a blink of an eye…. or bat of an eyelash.
Now, just like any new relationship, there is so much to adjust to, right? Not only learning about this person but also the baggage you carry from all the other relationships you had. For me, the hardest part is being with a man again. Some say “just like riding a bike, right?” Well, not really. It has been nearly 16 years since I was with a man. And when I was with my partner, I felt I could NEVER be with a man again, though then I didn’t think it would ever be an option. I was content with being with a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I did physically miss (and prefer) the aspect of men, but I loved her and was committed to her. End of story.
The challenges of going from same-sex to hetero relationships is unreal. Not in a physical sense, honestly I’m happier in that respect & shall I toot my own horn and say I’m quite seasoned & spunky in this area. But from going from someone who is so gentle, soft, dedicated, loving, expressive, thoughtful, caring …. She truly treated me like a princess. I was her everything. I know that may not seem healthy but that’s how she was. She was always putting me first & thinking of me. From leaving flowers on my car, to writing love notes daily in my lunch box. Sending me text throughout the day to remind me of her love or even to just check in to see how my day was. I’d sneeze & she’d be off to the store stocking up on healing agents. I’d have a hole in a sock & the next day I would have a new pack of booties waiting. Like it was the over the top.
Men express love differently or at least the guy I am seeing. Here’s the clincher with him (talk about double fucking whammy challenges) He was with a woman for 5 years on & off in his early 20’s, again it was young, naïve, drama-filled “love”. Not until 10 years later he dated a girl for about 8 months, said it was on & off, didn’t live together and said it wasn’t all that connected because she liked to have her space. Then 10 years later…. comes me. A broken divorcee (twice) who has ONLY ever been in relationships & has high standards & expectations (a downfall on my part, I know) He has NO clue what he’s gotten into.
Much to some’s disagreement, I ended up moving in with him rather quickly. Reason being, besides that we truly love spending time together, is that I could not live in that house with her anymore & watch her blatantly date her new gf right before my eyes. Not only did I have to hear phone conversations between them, see little love notes & cards from her new gf, but she even allowed this girl to drop her off at MY fucking house. I couldn’t do it, I had to get out. I was mentally & physically sick about it and getting absolutely no rest or peace of mind. He offered his place. He said it was totally a temporary fix until my house sold & I had enough money to live on my own. As nervous & crazy as this sounded, I did it.
He said he knew what he was getting himself into when he decided he wanted to be with me. He knew I was a train wreck & he was willing to be there & help me through it. So far, it’s been rocky. Not saying it’s not fun, oh it is & we truly have amazing times together but I also have HUGE issues and I’m learning he does too. This is all new to both of us. He’s never had to think about someone else first, but he literally gutted both his dressers & 80% of his closet so that I could get my clothes in. He made his apt look less like a “man-cave” though I told him it was fine as is. He said he just wants me to be comfortable while I am there. Needless to say, 2 months later and he doesn’t want me to leave. I don’t think I do either but I do have hesitations. Luckily I have time, my house should sell by end of January at which time I can decide what is best for me.
Now he’s gone from being this “independent single super long” guy to I’ve just moved in an emotionally unstable used to be gay divorcee. Good times I tell ya, good times.
Just like anyone who has gotten into a new relationship, you expect things to be a certain way. For me, I had most everything I wanted in my last relationship so now I have extremely high expectations, but I can’t & that’s hard. He is who he is, which is a guy who has no idea how to be in a relationship. He’s used to his alone time, his get up & go hang with a buddy without having to “check-in” with anyone else time, his I’m going to drink 5-6 beers, turn on Gold Rush & pass out time. Then there’s me, who’s used to structure. I’m the girl who comes home & gets ready to go to the gym, no time to sit and relax, let’s workout! Then we fix a healthy meal that we eat together & talk about our days & goals. We clean up, choose a show we both are interested in to watch or have a nice, heartfelt talk because that’s what I like to do. We snuggle which hopefully leads to a little funky time, then we brush our teeth, kiss each other goodnight, cuddle some more & boom off into happy slumber land. NOT SO MUCH… but we’re working on it.
Not only do my insecurities cause issues & create unreasonable expectations, but the person she was makes it even HARDER. In my head, I think he should be the way she was & I seem to not be able to settle for anything less. This is truly unreasonable. But the ongoing thoughts & questions go through my head over & over…..Is he ever going to be good enough? Why am I not getting text from him throughout the day? Why didn’t he tell me he stopped off somewhere on his way home? Why is he sitting beside me on the couch without holding my hand? Why’s he on his phone, what’s he checking, who’s he talking to, is he bored with me? Why did he look at that girl, is he interested in her? He kissed me when he got up but didn’t say “good morning”… damn him, does he NOT know the rules?? OMG it is so mind-fucking me every… damn… day. I had SUCH a routine life for 15 fucking years, how do I break the cycle?!?! How do I accept & adapt to this completely different life? I feel needy, insecure, obsessive. My god, I’m a strong, beautiful, loving 45 year old woman, why am I acting this way?!
Yet, he has changed so much that I am not seeing or should I say acknowledging. Like I said, he literally uprooted his apt so that I could be comfortable. He even moved in my entire bed set because his bed was uncomfortable for me so we switched. He does the laundry & is already trained on not putting certain items in the dryer & if he’s not sure he checks. It’s cute when he puts my panties across the radiators so that they dry faster & he checks them often to see if they’re dry. He allowed me to get out my holiday decorations & spice up his little 700 SQ man cave. He not only openly allowed me to bring my 2 cats but he interacts with them & even takes care of them at times. He has cut back on drinking as much beer as he knows I don’t care for it. He makes sure to text me in the morning if there is frost on my car so that I know I have to leave a little earlier. He takes turns cooking & he’s an amazing cook! He didn’t gripe when the bathroom shelf fell because my over abundance of hair products became too much for his little shelf. He has put his routine of going to bed by 9pm aside & instead will sit up until I am ready for bed no matter how tired he is. Then, get this, he totally is supportive of me hanging with my sisters or friends, like doesn’t question it or get jealous. Sheesh… so where does MY neurotic mind go? Oh he just needs space from me, maybe he is sick of me or maybe he’s talking to someone else & he can have the time to do that. UGH WTF WOMAN!! My ex-husband was super possessive, I barely did anything with friends & when I did it was constant interrogation & accusations though I was the faithful one and that drove me nuts! Granted I wanted to get away from him so that made it worse but I hated being under his “control” or at least feeling like I had to ask permission & “follow the rules” if I ever got the chance to go out. Also, keep in mind, my ex partner & I RARELY did anything apart. We did everything together. I may have ONCE in a blue moon gone to dinner with a friend but very, very rarely. So again, I am used to that always doing things together kind of relationship. And I know this isn’t healthy but when I think about guys hanging out I think of my ex, he went to strip clubs, got lap dances & blow jobs, hooked up with girls at the bar, got intoxicated & I would have to pick him up or get him after her got into a fight. So all these things are implanted in my pee brain.
I don’t want to fuck this up but feel like I am going to. A man who has been single most of his life obviously has no problem being single. Does it scare me he hasn’t had a real commitment for nearly 20 years? Abso-fucking-lutely. But as he tells me, it’s because he’s never found “the one” he wanted to spend his life with…. until now. So, why can’t I just chill the fuck out & let go of my insecurities & expectations. It’s not fair to him. He can’t be exactly who I want him to be. In his mind, I’m sure he thinks I want him to be just like my ex… do I? In some ways yes but I have to realize he is who he is, he is not her. I have to focus on the positive attributes he brings to my life instead of what I’m no longer getting that I’m used to. I need to love him & accept him as he is & stop trying to change him & mold him into the person I think he should be. 
your whole world can change in a minute 