Looking For Betrayal

Once you’ve been betrayed, it seems you are always looking for it or just waiting for it to happen, even when you’re no longer with the one who betrayed you. With my ex, once she convinced me she was trustworthy I actually did stop looking & waiting. It felt good, after 2 years, to not have the constant ache in the pit of my stomach. To not have the constant urge to check her phone or FB. I was actually at peace for the most part.

Now, since D-Day #2 and we have parted ways, being with someone else hasn’t changed that fear. Even though he has given me no reason to think he would betray me, I am constantly thinking he will  & looking for signs.

If he was “saintly” in his past maybe I would wonder less, but he was not. He was a player. He had many hook-ups and short term girlfriends. Every day I wonder “why?”. From the things I’ve read (that I probably shouldn’t have) it seems the girls ended things more often than him. But not once have I read that he was unfaithful. Both of his long-term relationships ended because the women cheated.

Because I have a huge lack of trust, it’s like I’m looking to catch him. I don’t WANT it to happen but it’s like my mind is already creating it. After my stint with snooping on his tablet & finding messages to women (before me) I can’t seem to shake the urge to snoop and find out more. He knows what I did, I told him. Oddly, he cleared nothing from his tablet (not sure he knows how) and I still went back & read more that I hadn’t read even though I repeatedly say I wish I hadn’t read those things. Nothing was detrimental this time but it just seems he’s always “begging” for love.

I even went to the extent of going on his POF account (which he deleted off his phone but didn’t deactivate it, again not sure he knows how) and tried to find old messages. Why? I don’t know, I think I wanted to see the women he was interested in & what he said to them. I really need to stop this. Anything that happened before me shouldn’t matter but I have it stuck in my head of trying to figure out WHY he can’t keep a girl. I mean, I’ve witnessed a few things that maybe some women wouldn’t tolerate, but I don’t believe that cheating is one of them.

I did, since I was already on there, click the button that keeps his profile unseen. Part of me wonders why he didn’t do that but another part of me truly believes he didn’t even think about it.  I just noticed he was getting lots of “likes” and messages so I put an end to that. The day after he met me he deleted his dating sites, that says something. He even blocked women on FB that would message him. Those are signs that he’s not interested in anyone else so why can’t I just accept that? Why am I trying to create something that hasn’t happened?! Will I ever trust anyone again??

The more I think about it, with the ex, never in a MILLION years did I think she would be that kind of person. Never. No one did. So, in my mind, he was a player & had many women so he just “seems” like the kind of person who would be unfaithful. Isn’t that horrible? It’s such a label to give someone that has given you no reason to think this way. Oddly enough, he did it to me and it hurt…. real bad and that’s when I realized what I was doing.

He has insecurities as much as I do. Like I said, he’s been cheated on many times. I too, have been. Is anyone faithful anymore??? GAWD! Anywho… last weekend I got up, put on my gym clothes, fixed my hair, put in a pair of earrings, kissed him goodbye & off I went. When I returned he seemed off. I asked if everything was okay, he flat out said “who is he or she?” With much confusion I replied “What? What are talking about?” He said who is the person you’re talking to or seeing? I said I have no clue what you’re talking about, please explain.

Well, with his hot tempered Italian mindset he made it crystal clear he didn’t trust me or believe me. I repeatedly said I’m not like that, I wouldn’t do that & I am not talking to, seeing or interested in anyone. He didn’t believe me. And it hurt, like a mother fucker. I could not figure out what I had done to spark these thoughts. So I asked, he said I primped too much to go to the gym & put earrings in. I kinda giggled, not being rude, but I said “dear I’ve never gone in public without doing my hair, anyone who knows me knows that. And I just put little studs in my ears because I always feel naked when I don’t wear earrings, that’s it.” Still wasn’t enough. His mind was so set that he actually said he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be with someone who he couldn’t trust. I was floored. Had this man flipped his ever lovin’ mind?! Me cheat?? We’ve talked about this, he knows how I feel. I just couldn’t believe this. He left for 2 hours. In that time, I began to pack my things. I didn’t know what else I could do or say to convince him that he was wrong.

When he returned, he wasn’t talking to me. He started clearing off his nightstand (which was mine) so I figured he was still ending things. I was so hurt & sad yet felt that if that’s what he thought of me, then so be it, I can’t prove otherwise but I needed to say my peace. I looked him dead in the eye and calmly said “I can’t convince you that I’m not a cheater, so I’ll just say that I appreciate the time we had together, I still care for & love you but I won’t stay where I’m not wanted”. I don’t know what triggered him at that moment but he came over to me, wrapped his arms around me & through his tear filled eyes, said “I’m sorry, I get in my head & I can’t shut it down. It was wrong of me to accuse you of that, it’s just what’s always happened so I guess I’m just waiting for it to happen again”…. Boom…. I get it. We are destroying this already in our own heads for no good reason. The one good thing is, we both get it. We understand where the other is coming from. It sounds toxic, but it doesn’t matter if I was with a guy who hadn’t been destroyed by cheating, I know I would still have the demons in my head & that guy probably would not understand or tolerate my craziness.

This guy literally took me in, gave me 80% of his space for my stuff, took my 2 furbabies in though he’s not allowed to have pets and yet I go through his personal, private items behind his back. And all he does is say “I get it”… anyone else could have been like “look neurotic, controlling bitch, you gotta go!” But not him. He didn’t even get mad.

So is this toxic or are we meant for each other because life has fucked us both over so much that we just get each other? I know healing is the only way to get through betrayal but not sure you can ever truly “get over it”. Do I think that if I had taken some time to be single that maybe I would be different? No, not really. I’m never going to forget. It’s going to be very hard for me to trust anyone, so is “time” really the answer? Maybe he was brought into my life to help heal these wounds, to show me how I am behaving & how it can affect someone & a relationship. I felt first hand how it felt to be accused of something I didn’t do. I didn’t like it at all. I haven’t actually accused him of cheating, like I said, I don’t think he is, but my actions are showing that I have no trust for him. And why? Because someone else betrayed me. How is that fair to him? It isn’t.