Waiting…

 

I know they say “live in the moment” but I find it hard to do lately. Obviously we often live in the past because our minds are still trying to process everything that happened there but mine is also living in the future. Waiting for the next episode.

The first few months I was waiting for the next bit of info to come out. It seemed to creep out little by little. Some betrayeds are waiting for more trickle truth & some are waiting for this to happen all over again. Waiting sucks.

What I’m waiting for is the next episode… meaning, I’m doing ok. Had pretty decent days lately but as the past few months have shown, this doesn’t last forever. One day BAM it’s all emotions and anger again. Wanting to scream & yell. Ask repetitive questions, go over it piece by piece again, hear why she did this, what was it about HER that made her so tantalizing, why she didn’t care enough to think about the damage she was causing… I don’t want to wait, I tell myself “I’ve got this, this is it. This is the time where those episodes won’t come again”.

But I’m always wrong. Is it because I’m waiting? Maybe. I fight it though, oh so damn hard. Moments my heart is beating out my chest, my throat is tight, my stomach is churning, my mind is racing & my thought are seething with angry words…. but I make it through. I feel uncomfortable for a good bit of the day but I work through it & get through it. And when I do I’m happy… yet angry. Happy because it’s done & I made it through another shitty moment.

Angry because I’m pissed that I endured all that anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety & struggle while she didn’t deal with any of it. Why am I saving HER from all this? Part of me wants to call her every time I think about it, every time I cry alone, every time I blog out my anger, every time I have gut wrenching pain from the hurt but I’d be on the damn phone most of the day. Do they get this??? I don’t think they do. They can’t because they’re not in our shoes. Sure they know we think about it every day but do they truly know HOW often? I would guess not. Do they think about it as often? I would say no and I don’t mean about the affair, I mean about what we’re feeling, what we’re going through, how we’re surviving each day, how sometimes just breathing is a struggle L

Does she sit at her desk & feel sick from the constant thoughts and images? Does she have to dash to the bathroom several times a day in fear that her co-workers will see her crying again? Does she constantly have to coach herself to stop thinking bad thoughts! “you can do it, think of something else… anything else, come on, you got this” I say that all the damn time. Even if I have to focus on the squirrel running by or what color the car was that drove by me, that’s what I have to do, pick anything to make me NOT think about it. What kind of life is that? This is what my life has been reduced to and it sucks.

They don’t get it & sadly they won’t. I wish they did. I wish every time our minds went there their minds would get zapped with the same feeling. Do I believe she feels the hurt often? Yes. I do believe she wonders often how I’m doing. But it’s nothing to the extent of what we face day in & day out.

So… as the good days stack up & the PMS creeps up, I’m just waiting…. for the storm to arrive.

 

The hard part begins…

Let’s be honest, there is NO easy part of this. Every part of this is hard. It fucking sucks. But for me, February, the 21st to be exact, is the beginning of it all. Not D-day, it was the first sign of evidence of what took place & how it played out.

As I mentioned in my Trickle Truth blog, February 21st was the first date on her FB search history where she began stalking the whore’s profile page. That’s the day that my partner felt intrigued enough to check out this girl more closely. Look at her pictures, see what she was about, find out as much personal things as possible without anyone ever knowing. And that she did. Several days a month, several times a day. It increased as time went on. It makes me wonder, at what point did this girl get the vibe from my partner that there was interest? She didn’t comment on her page or like any pictures or statuses. She just stalked it. And her ex-girlfriend’s page as well. My partner is not forward at all, nor flirty. This girl, well she was obviously the flirty type. So was it just a simple smile? Was it the acceptance of her compliments? I assume, since I don’t know, that eventually MP gave off enough vibes that led this girl to believe that there was something there. They were not talking in any other form except brief meet ups at the cafeteria where the whore worked. Granted, I don’t believe this whore needed any vibes. She was the type that once she had her sights set on you, she didn’t care about anything else & she knew how to make you feel good. She was sweet & flirty and said all the right things.

I think what’s so sickening about just stalking someone (via internet) neurotically is knowing that SOMEONE ELSE was on her mind, constantly. First thing in the morning, right after she dropped me off at work, during the work day, evenings when we apart and late night when I had gone to bed and she was “doing homework”. She sat there & thought about another girl. Instead of coming to ME, her partner of 11 years, and telling me how she felt. Making that effort to work things out and see if things could be fixed. Instead she allowed her head & ego to get all tangled in the web of infatuation.

I made it thru the 21st with no serious breakdown. The day was hard mentally for me but I didn’t mention a word of it. I fought. Real. Damn. Hard. to push thru the day.

I have got to tell myself every day… no, every minute, that that was last year. It is not now. It’s the past, it was an awful, confusing time for her but her heart & mind are with me and will be always.

Now if only I could listen. Sigh 😦

What does love look like?

This question was part of our MC homework. We were to described what love looked like to us when we were young. Love emotionally, financially, spiritually & sexually.

I typed up half a page description, probably could have done more but knew we had limited time in our session.

When the therapist turned to MP and asked her to read hers I was quite astonished by her reply.

I never had a vision of love. I didn’t know what it looked like or what it was supposed to look like. I had the love of my mother and siblings and that’s what love looked like to me.

First thought was “what do you mean you didn’t know what love looked like, we all know what it’s supposed to  look like”… but I was judging. I was putting my views in her mouth. Her father & mother divorced when she was 1. Her mother remarried, an abusive alcoholic, for 14 years. She didn’t spend time watching soap operas, playing with barbies or having family dinners together. She played sports, saw a lot of turmoil and became her mother’s keeper, by her own choice.

This truly made me sad. More so as she read this while choking back her tears. The therapist asked if she thought she knew now as an adult what love looks like & she said yes, she knows what it looks like & feels like when she’s with me. It took her a few years to adjust to what exactly love was about but still after 11 years, I feel she has much to still learn.

MP had 2 relationships before me. They both cheated on her. She assumed for the first 2 years that I too was going to cheat on her. I was, yet another, “straight” girl that was only experimenting, in her mind. Yet this time, it involved a child which made the belief of us falling in love, very unlikely in her mind. She was quite wrong.

We both learned what love felt like in our 11 years. It was good & it was bad. It had it’s great moment & it’s not so great moments. It was full of fun & laughter, we described it as being in love with your best friend.

Typically, with most best friends, you tell them everything. No secrets. You can feel safe & secure to express your every thought and they would just listen, give you a shoulder to cry on & words of advice. This did not hold true for us, at least for her. She never felt secure enough to express her every thought & feeling. Those things just never took place in her family. You endured pain & tragedy and you stuffed it down and kept on going. This is what she did for 11 years. Things that I did that upset her, made her feel bad, made her feel unimportant over time, those were just shoved deep down and she kept on trucking. This caused pent up feelings that she didn’t know what to do with and when they turned into numbness she truly believed she fell out of love with me.

And when someone else showed her attention, and flattered her, she was drawn to that. Is that what love is to her? Flattery? Flirting? Sure she made her feel good about herself but she didn’t know anything about her. She didn’t know her background, her family, her fears, her goals. She knew very little yet MP still “went” for that. I asked if she thought she was going to be with her? If she wanted to be together? And she said no, that’s not what she was looking for. She was looking for happiness & those sort of things from me but when she didn’t get them or find them, her attention became a distraction from her true feelings.

Well, if after all this shit we’ve been through, if she doesn’t see that what I’M going through is true love, then I don’t know what the fuck is.

 

Rebuilding trust

I find that I’m more trustworthy of her than I thought I would or that someone dealing with infidelity would be. I’m trying to figure out why. I would say partly bc I DID have so much trust for her before that even though she killed it in some ways, I still trust her in many ways. I’d also say due to the extent of time that she was being sneaky & the circumstances of this kind of affair.

What I don’t trust:

That she will communicate more openly down the road and not clam up again. It’s who she is, it’ll be a hard learning process for her.

That she won’t leave again years down the road if things get mundane again. This is in conjunction with communication, if she talks about things then I’d trust that she won’t leave but if she stifles her feelings again, this could possibly happen again though she swears she has learned her lesson & would never put us through this again.

That’s about it. The things that I do trust (unlike many other betrayed spouses) And I think a lot of this was constructed by HER actions since D-day.

– I trust that she will be faithful and IF she ever becomes interested in someone she will speak up.

– I trust who she text, who she emails, who she talks to. I don’t check up on her anymore, I do not believe she’d do this again. Also, there wasn’t any “secret” conversations via media. No texting or emailing. They didn’t converse in that manner until after she left the house. So at least that showed a bit of respect. Though using that word at all seems so ironic.

– I trust her to go places without me & not worry that she’s lying or meeting someone. She didn’t do this, she didn’t sneak around that way. Besides I know she has NO interest in the whore.

– I trust her word. The things she tells me. I don’t believe she says stuff to just “win me over”, I truly trust what she says, which didn’t happen right away. But for the most part, I do believe that she loves me with all her heart & finds me beautiful. Of course that was very hard to believe for awhile bc of her exact words to me when she left.

– I trust that she truly has no feelings or interest in the whore at all. I believe that she truly is sickened by everything that happened and how she got caught up with someone like that. She never had TRUE feelings for her, sure she had an attraction but that was based on looks and attention. The whore had the same looks & gave her the same attention when my partner turned her down and came back to me.

– I trust that she will fight for this, no matter how long or hard. This one I waiver on sometimes, bad days I just get in a funk and think that the way I’m acting will be too much for her and she’ll walk, but she repeatedly convinces me that she is in this for the long haul and that I will have to physically remove her from my life for her to walk away again.

– I trust that her heart is with me and always was.

So, 6 months in, I think that’s decent progress. I couldn’t say all those things 2, 3 months ago. Gotta focus on the progress, not the moments that set us back or have hindered us from moving forward faster.

I’ve got this.

Trickle Truth – Sorta

As many betrayed spouses, I learned all about trickle truth. I will say however, mine was a bit different. It was like reverse trickle truth, if that makes any sense & it wasn’t intentional. Though many may think I am naive, I know her well enough to believe she truly couldn’t remember many things that took place those couple months we were apart. And the “event” (as I call it) happened one time.  The therapist explained that it’s called disassociation disorder.  It actually traumatized HER enough that she put it out of her mind, she doesn’t want to remember it so she can’t. Until I dig & dig & dig some more & make her remember every gory detail. By now, 6 months later I’ve had her create a time line. This took a lot of time & prodding on my part. She hated it, she didn’t want to remember or think about those moments without me. But I needed to know. I wanted to know. This was MY time you robbed me of, so I have that right.

Let me try to sum up how it went from awful to not as awful. Can’t say that many times when it comes to affairs.

So she slept with her. I asked her what she was going to say to me in therapy. Since me calling her out bascially “let her off the hook” I told her she had to tell me what she was going to say. She said I was going to tell you that I slept with another girl. So for weeks I’d say awful things.

“Did you give her an orgasm? Did she make you feel good? Did you moan? Did you cuddle afterwards? Did you go down on her? Did you spend the night? Did you like her juices on your hands? How many times did you fuck?

The ugliness goes on & on. Sadly it took 4 months for me to get the exact details of what came of the physical part of the affair.

Ya know the version YOU make up bc you don’t know. You can only imagine. You weren’t there. It was a secret part of their life you weren’t involved in so all you have is your god damn imagination that runs very wild. I pictured it. At her apt, making out, ripping clothes off, going upstairs, naked bodies doing all sorts of things to each other, then cuddling in the buff. Waking up to shower together, maybe having breakfast & saying how wonderful last night was & then off to your innocent lifestyle you give off so well. OMG I couldn’t stop picturing it. MY PARTNER naked, pleasing another girl. Touching all her lady parts, passionately kissing her & running her hands through her hair. I get queasy just typing it. *barf*

Well that wasn’t the case. And for that, I am glad. The part I did NOT understand was WHY she allowed me to think for months that she truly FUCKED this girl. That they had slept together. I didn’t get it, I was more upset about THAT than what happened!! I wasn’t understanding but through talking about it with her & the therapist, her explanation, though hard to understand, it became slightly clearer and only bc I know her thinking and the therapist basically solidified the story. Her logic was this… “It didn’t matter what I did, it was a sexual act & it was wrong, so there was no justification. It was wrong.” Additionally she said it was VERY hard for her to talk about, she didn’t remember things and it made her uncomfortable. YOU? Oh, I’m so sorry for making YOU uncomfortable cuz this is a joy ride for me. She isn’t a flirty, sex talk kinda girl so for her to have to say things that took place was hard for her I believe it & it would make her sick, many times when talking about it she would actually go vomit. I sadly enjoy this part.

Yes, she is correct. It was wrong. BUT why let me think so much worse?? I smh every day thinking about it but it is what it is.

Bottom line, there wasn’t intent to sleep with her. Yes, there was interest and she got caught up in the attention but she wasn’t looking for anything sexual, but with this girl, it was a given. So on that dreaded night, they didn’t get naked, they didn’t fuck, they didn’t cuddle or stay overnight. It wasn’t like a movie. It was literally a minute of a blur and bam, damage was done. The girl gave her a quick peck on the couch, MP got nervous & stood up, the girl came at her again & kissed her longer, unbuttoned & unzipped her jeans & MP began to slide her hand down, saying she never felt a thing, and removed it telling her she couldn’t do this. The whore didn’t even touch her. No skin. Closest she got was putting her hand on her side & kissing her, not even passionately. So though this ALL fucking sucks, I tell myself “my partner denied her. She rejected her.” So there whore! You didn’t win! Fuck you!

Yes, she put herself in an inappropriate situation and she knows that. It went too far, but it could have gone further. Glad it didn’t, wish it hadn’t at all. But wishing is worthless.

Now the trickle truth that did make things worse…

MP repeatedly would say that SHE (the whore) had nothing to do with her leaving or needing a break. It was about MP being lost, depressed & the lack of feelings for me. She said they didn’t even talk until after she left. She just showed her attention, made her feel good about herself and she got caught up in it when she was already vulnerable & confused about things. She hated life, so many aspects. She said there were “ok” moments in our life but it just felt like we were roommates & she only mattered when I needed something. She said THAT is what made her leave, not someone else.

I tried to believe that, but come on. I’m really not that naive. Some things may make me sound like I am, but truly I’m not.

Truth is in the pudding… or FB history. When she came home we agreed to be open about everything, no secret passwords, etc. So I would log into her FB every so often & check things out. At this point they weren’t friends. I told her to delete her, yes I had to tell her. I know, SMH. The whore contacted MP and said “why did you delete me?” Really? If MP had already let her know she wasn’t interested, why would she be surprised. MP says she told her she wasn’t the kind of person she wanted in her life & that she truly loved me & wanted to work things out. Yet this whore still didn’t know why she deleted her? That’s the kind of person she is. MP responded in a much too friendly manner for me… the nickname is what tears me up. She used a shorten version of her name, instead of addressing her by calling her by her full name. That still eats at my skin. She told her that she could no longer communicate with her or have her in her life if she wanted things to workout with me. She replied “fine”. I then made her block her so she couldn’t contact her anymore.

Anyway… FB history… I found her search history. Didn’t even know it existed so I thought I’d check it out. It showed me who she searched and when. I think I felt almost as sick as the day she confessed. I’m looking at her search & all I see is this girl’s name over & over & over and NOT while we were apart. It started in February. OMG she had been stalking this girl for months. Just one week after Valentine’s Day MP started stalking the whore’s page. It continued in March & April. Often. The times were sickening.

7:30 am – just after she dropped me off at work, and I mean IMMEDIATELY after.

mid afternoon – times when she couldn’t have her phone out at work but she made the time, I guess on breaks or when she went to the bathroom but always gave me excuses that she couldn’t text or be on her phone.

Late at night when she was supposedly doing homework up in the office & I was tucked in bed.

2 nights I was on the couch for days with a stomach bug while she was looking at her page.

All during our vacation in FL at my best friend’s wedding. She literally woke up at 7:30am during our vacation & got on her page. She was on it several times during the whole week.

Don’t forget the after midnight one on a Sunday which means she was in bed stalking while I was sleeping. Who the fuck is this person next to me???

Then there was another name I saw a few times. It was the whore’s (ex) girlfriend. Really? Why were you stalking her? Worried they were back/still together? Were you afraid she’d find out you were interested in her? Did you want to see what they were saying to each other? The answers are yes though she says she doesn’t really know why. Not true. You went to the whore’s page to stare at her, see what she was up to. You did this often. Did it turn you on? God I don’t want to know bc she’s nasty & if THAT turned you on then what does that say about you? Sad.

So tell me again that she had NOTHING to do with your feelings & you leaving. Bullshit. She had a lot to do with it. Your feelings were confused bc you realized you were interested in someone else. You were obsessing, thinking about HER more than me. You knew it was wrong, yet you still did it & lied about it.

She felt she was “making right” by leaving the house. She looked at it as if she “left” and it was a separation so whatever took place wasn’t cheating. I put it into perspective real quick. You cheated, end of story.

So I was sick about the FB, I called her at work & ripped her a new one. She said I was just looking for stuff and why was I trying to cause more damage? I said ME?! You caused the damage, this is all YOUR doing. You lied. You’ve been stalking this girl for months & you act like she had nothing to do with your feelings. STOP FUCKING LYING!! They don’t see how lying makes things so much worse?? It sets us back, even with the little progress we make, every trickle truth just sets us back & if there was ANY new trust, you lost it again bc you’re still lying.

That was the worst of the trickle truth. The other, like I said, actually is “better” (for a lack of better words) than the original version. But to know that she was basically interested in this girl for months, under my roof, during times I was clueless living our life together her mind was elsewhere.

I wasn’t the first thing she thought of in the morning. I wasn’t the last thing she thought of before going to sleep. When I was sick she thought about her. When we were together during a big life event that should bring us closer you were thinking of her. God how stupid I feel. Yet again.

 

THIS!

I cringe every time I see this, damn pinterest. It just makes me think how my partner was “supposed” to meet this whore, it tested her & she failed. FAILED!!! Big time.

They say people are a blessing or a lesson. Ok, I get that but I DON’T believe (or want to) that every person we meet is MEANT to cross our path. Why did she have to cross her path??? If she didn’t, where would we be? She may have still left but I believe we would be together like we are & things would be heading so much more in the right direction rather than dealing with the hurt of infidelity.

So why was she meant to meet her?

• To test her judgment – FAIL.
• To show her how much she had with me – Success.
• To test her vulnerability – FAIL.
• To show her that other women can be attractive to her – Success… UGH!!!

Why couldn’t she have quit that awful fucking job she’s hated for years & not be around some stupid, trashy, flirty whore?? Why did she need to be tested?? WHY!?!?

So what now… Oh look…she was tested & failed, oh darn, we’ll try better next time. WTF. This isn’t a math quiz! It’s my god damn life that was tested & FAILED.

Maybe I needed to see her as more human, not so perfect. It sure worked. I definitely know she’s just as faulty, if not more so now, than the next person. It’s one thing to mess up in life… but to FUCK up this badly, not much worse you can do, at least in love.

So take that quote & this stupid one “everything happens for a reason” and shove it up your fucking dirty asshole!

Happy Friday my betrayed buds 🙂

Not in my shoes

I’ve read many times from betrayed spouses that NO ONE can understand what you feel or what you’re going through. Yes, some of us can relate somewhat better than others but every situation and person is different. How it affects each of us will be totally different. One may say “eh, no big deal it was only emotional” where the next may say “the emotional part was harder than the physical”. We all have opinions and none are the exact same.

For me, the friends that I thought were mutual close friends of ours that put their 2 cents in truly have disappointed me. I’ve shut them out and I’m ok with that. Right now it’s about me & my partner, that’s it. I don’t care what others think about it all, it’s not their situation to judge.

BUT it definitely pisses me off when they say things that make ME sound like the bad guy in this. WTF.

I had read a few text messages from my partner to some friends. Our best friends, another gay couple, made the comment “No worries, we know everyone fucks up, we don’t judge you”…. should I take that personal? Am I being too sensitive? I mean, my emotions may be a bit fucked up right now but really?? I’m not supposed to judge? I’m supposed to just say “eh, you fucked up, we all do” and move the fuck on?? Not once did I get a text saying they can’t imagine the hurt or pain I’m going through. They tried to reach out but once I knew their opinions I said “fuck them”.

Another friend was texting her during a BAD day, where I was lashing out, this was very early after D day. I told her that she needed to “take the beating she deserved”… not physically, mentally.

This friend told her that I was being rude & unjust and that she shouldn’t tolerate that anymore and she will eventually have enough and walk away.

Who are these so called “friends” to judge? Have they been through this? In my shoes? Have you been in the EXACT fucking situation? And I CAN say each affects everyone differently. My ex husband of 11 years (my fucking magic number) cheated on me, before we got married and during. I was devastated a few weeks before we got married then married him anyway & didn’t think about it again. During, I thought he was, didn’t know for sure but when I found out I was like “eh, to be expected”, not saying I allowed it, I already had checked out & wanted a divorce but it didn’t hit me like this bc from him, I sadly expected this kind of betrayal. NEVER from her did I, never, ever. No one ever did. She was cheated on by every girlfriend and knew what it felt like. She prided herself on telling people she disliked and wouldn’t associate with liars or cheaters. She hated them. Well, well… looky here.

 

Simplest, daily trigger…

We all get triggered. By things said, events, songs, movies, etc. I’ve done my best to avoid as many triggers as possible and my partner has done her part as well.

But how do you avoid a daily trigger?

One day, I look forward to unbuttoning & unzipping my pants without thinking of the affair. Just once a day would be a good start. It doesn’t matter if I’m at work, home, out in public (in the bathroom of course) it triggers me every time.

All I see is the whore welcoming my partner into her pants by unbuttoning & unzipping her jeans and my partner taking the bait. I just want to do this simple, daily task without thinking about it. Mind fuck games suck.

Not to mention, with all our new-found, exciting sexual adventures, the thought of her sliding her hand down my pants makes me wanna vomit. Then punch her square in the nose. So it hinders our spontaneity at times cuz I have to fully remove my pants to have any fun, not to mention I don’t allow her to unzip my pants at all. Not easy when you’re trying to get it on in the car. I like road trips where I can unzip my pants and tease a little. But every time I think about it I get all anxious & have visuals and just can’t get past it.

Sad I can’t dress or undress in my own life without feeling hurt. Damn her.

Where to go from here?

At this point, just 6 months past d-day, we’re working towards reconciliation. It’s been rough. Lots of ups & downs. Lots of crying & screaming. Lots of pulling & pushing.

There have been pluses. Our communication has grown. This was her biggest downfall. It’s how we got to where we are. She never communicated her thoughts & feelings. She pushed everything down. I never knew when she was upset with me or that things I did bothered her. How can one correct things if they never know? Anyway, we are being more open about things. Life is nowhere near normal, things are always on egg shells. Never know when a bad moment will hit.

We have 2 good weeks & then bam. I feel like shit again. I hate it. I just wanna be happy. I don’t wanna feel hurt or angry towards her. I don’t want to think about it anymore or picture it or trigger by the simplest things.

She is the model (if there is such a thing) wayward. She is very remorseful. I don’t believe she walked out the door intending to cheat, at least not physically,she already was mentally cheating. In a sense, I feel bad for her. She didn’t even know herself. She even shut out her family & best friends. She clung to those who were bad examples. She became everything she disliked in others. She got so lost in making me happy that she lost her own self worth. That does make me sad. That does not excuse what she did. There is no excuse, there are many ways to handle life situations and she choose the wrong path unfortunately but it’s what we now have & what we have to face.

She reminds me every day how much she loves me, she hugs me & comforts me, she does many things for me, she takes it when I lash out, she answers all my questions no matter how tedious & repetitive they are, she shows me so much adoration & emotion. She tells me she never wants to be without me, leaves love notes in my lunch bag, sends me quotes and songs throughout the week. The list goes on. We’re in counseling & we’re reading books to help. There really isn’t much left. Just the waiting game. Wait & see where this takes us.

She’s gone to the extent of taking a different route to work bc we pass the bar/road that it all happened on, she traded in her truck bc she allowed that whore in there ONE time, it was even after everything ended between them, she took her to the psychic appt and took her back. That was it, but she knew the truck triggered me. Keep in mind, she had this truck only since she left me, in May she got it & it was her dream truck, the truck she always wanted. She let it go, not only bc I hated it but bc she hated it. She said she hated that she allowed her in it and she didn’t want it anymore.

I know deep down I love her but I have so many other emotions masking the love that sometimes it’s hard to feel love & show it. I still am in disbelief that this is my life, that she did this to us. I have to remind myself that everyone is human, she was NOT perfect and her choices, tho awful as they were, were HER choices, I can’t control her or change them.

I do believe she loved me the whole time. The therapist helped her sort through her feelings of resentment towards me & made her open up about all her stifled feelings and thoughts. We haven’t even touched base on those issues yet now that we are in “crisis” mode as the therapist calls it. We have to get thru this first to even begin healing the past issues and hurt.

Each day is a new day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Either way, I know she’s by my side through this. She won’t give up, she knows she fucked up & she wants to spend the rest of her life making it up to me and proving to me that all those hurtful things she did & said weren’t true. She did love me, she was attracted to me. She hates that she ever said those words, but you can’t take them back. Yes they resound in my head often & have given me a lot of insecurity but she reassures me daily that I am beautiful and sexy and I am the only woman that turns her on.

I did revisit my psychic after d-day. Wanted to hear what she had to say. She said we’d be ok, we’d make it through. I hold onto those words, I trust her word and know that with a lot of perseverence and love we will be okay, one day.

Hysterical… bonding & everything else

Just like many, we had quite an interesting few months of superb sex. I didn’t get it. Why did I want to “reward” her with what she hurt me with? Did I have something to prove? Was I trying to make her forget about her? Was I just wanting to be close?

I think it was all the above. As many of you know, it’s uncontrollable. I wanted her 24/7. On the couch, in the car, in the kitchen, two even three times a day. I couldn’t get enough. Yet, the mind movies played over & over so why did I want to keep subjecting myself to this pain? It was pure torture. For me, I will say, the reality of almost losing her played a big part. We’ve never been apart. I was without her for 60 days. No touch, no kiss, no sex, nothing. I missed it. I didn’t realize how much I missed it until then cuz we were barely doing any of that before she left. I hated that I wanted her that way. She didn’t understand either & I explained it as I learned more about it. She wanted to be intimate but she hated how it played mind games. We both often cried afterwards, even her.

So as I struggled for months with the visions during HB, we continued to hash things out, details. I told her I wanted to know what happened. She said it happened once. It wasn’t ongoing, it was something she regretted and truly didn’t want to happen. I told her I needed to know what exactly took place that night. So here it is….

They went out to a bar, with a few of the whore’s friends. I asked if there was touching at the bar & MP said no, nothing at all. She said it was like a movie where you’re body was there but you felt like you were somewhere else. She heard talking & laughing but often just couldn’t focus. She said she truly didn’t enjoy herself. Yes, she was attracted to her in ways but not as much a physical way. She said from a distance she looked pretty but upclose she wasn’t. Her smile wasn’t pretty & she wasn’t in shape at all. She just knew how to make someone feel good with all her flirty ways & with MP feeling down about herself & me lacking in the attention category, it truly sucked her in.  I asked if she complimented the whore ever & she said no, she did not. She didn’t talk to her in that manner. She said there was no sex talk, they didn’t talk about much personal stuff, like family & issues. She said the whore talked about herself a lot.

They drank a bit but not drunk. MP has never driven when she drank. She doesn’t believe in it. They stayed until closing & she knew at that time she was unable to drive. The whore’s apt was “nearby” (many, many blocks away) so she suggested they walk there to hang out until she felt she could drive. And so they did. I asked if they held hands walking, MP said no. She only recalls the whore being on her phone a lot. Can’t even recall what they talked about.

When they arrived, MP sat on the couch, and the whore sat next to her. The lights were dim, she said there was a light in the background but the whore didn’t turn any lights on. They talked for a few minutes & then the W (whore, tired of typing it) leaned over & gave her a quick peck kinda kiss. MP said she felt a rush, not an exciting rush, a rush of awkwardness. So she stood up, the W followed & approached her to kiss her again. She said this kiss was longer, not open mouthed or french, but longer. Then the W proceeded to unbutton & unzip her jeans. MP followed the cue and began to slide her hand down her pants, only to remove it within seconds & tell her she couldn’t do this. The W responded with “I figured” and walked away.

MP said she felt sick. She sat on the couch, her stomach in knots. She was in a fog but wasn’t ready to drive. The W sat in another chair, MP said she thinks she was on her phone as she always was (something MP disliked about me) she said they sat in silence for about an hour and then MP stood up & said “I have to go” and she walked back to the bar.

She told me all she thought about was me. That’s why she stopped it. She knew it wasn’t right, she knew it was getting out of hand, she didn’t know what she was feeling or wanted but that was not her intention. She wanted to drive her truck off the bridge.

She arrived back where she was staying. She said she took off her clothes & tossed her undergarments in the garbage. I asked, if she didn’t touch you why did you throw them away. She said she just felt awful, sick about it & she didn’t want to wear them again. I, in turn, made her recall what she was wearing that night & made her throw them all away. She did without hesitation. I never said her shoes or belt, but she tossed them out as well. I also made her remove all (4) of her rings, including our commitment ring, and toss them out too. She has never not worn them since the day I met her. Now her hands were bare, just like my heart.

She said she grabbed the picture of she & I and just cried. She didn’t know what she just did but she knew it was going to hurt me. It was a HUGE mistake and she knew it wasn’t her & she had to put a halt to things and figure out wtf was going on in her head. It was the first time she thought about my feelings, how this was affecting me. She was cold & shut off for weeks but when this happened she realized she was not being herself & making horrible decisions that were going to ruin her life. How right she was.

Now, I’ve heard the skeptics. It only happened once? Really? You think she really didn’t fuck her? Make out? You think this girl truly didn’t touch her?

And for many months I would answer, no I don’t believe it. But now I do, as much as possible. After many interrogations, and many “I swear” remarks, I do believe it’s all that happened. Her mother is her best friend. I told her to say exactly this (and I made her say it many different times)

“I swear on my mother’s life that she did not touch me and I did not do anything but put my hand down her pants for a few seconds then remove it”

She says she felt nothing. Internally or externally. It didn’t turn her on, I’m not sure I believe that. I would say “you got what you wanted” and she’d say “it’s not what I wanted” and I’d reply you did it so it was what you wanted. She says if she wanted to sleep with her then she would have, if she wanted to touch her that way then she would have. She said she didn’t want to, she got caught up, was drinking & sadly made a move that was beyond wrong. Remember, at this time she still did think she liked this girl so I’m sure she didn’t want to disappoint her but she said she couldn’t do it, it wasn’t what she wanted to do.

All I can do is believe her. She didn’t sleep with her. She didn’t fuck her. She barely even touched her. She barely kissed. So why does it hurt so much??