Life without…

It makes me sad that often times I have to make myself think about life without my partner so that I can bring myself back to knowing that I want her in my life.

I don’t often think about parting ways, but I still do at times. You know those times, when the pain and hurt gets the best of you and you feel like you just can’t go on doing this anymore.

Many of you are well aware that my partner has been amazing through all this. She does everything needed and goes out of her way to remind me of her love and devotion. Sometimes I go back and read about other waywards so that I can give myself a reality check.

I hate it though that there are times I have to stop and think “what if today was her or my last day?” Would I be okay with how things are? How they “ended”? What if I don’t wake up tomorrow or vice versa. Did I do and say everything I wanted to? Will she truly know I love her? I’d say the answer to that would be no. Because she told me so.

She said there are times she can look at me and feel my love and other times she wonders if I truly do love her. Strangely, I feel the same way. About my love, not hers. I don’t doubt her love for me, I truly don’t. Its mine I doubt at times. Do I even know what love is anymore? I thought I did and then the world took a shit on me and now I feel as if I’m not sure what love is & that’s stupid because I DO know what love is. And it is full of mistakes & forgiveness. Some bigger, some small. Yes this is one of the biggest to face but it’s what my love was faced with. It sucks, but I have no choice.

I take myself back, one year ago and what I felt when we were apart. Sadly, I thought I was a strong woman until that time. I crumbled. I was not alive. I was dead inside. I never felt so lost and alone. I begged and pleaded for her to return “no matter what”… and she did. So is it because I have what I wanted that now I feel that I’m not sure?? I knew I loved her when she left. I knew I loved her when she said those hurtful things. I knew I loved her when I knew she was interested in someone else. I knew I Loved her when I knew she was seeing someone else. So why do I second guess if I love her now? Because I have her. I have her love. So it’s like a mental game. I wanted it, wanted it, wanted it and got it. And now I’m like “eh, I’m not sure I want it now”. Enough mental games. I’m tired, she’s tired, our hearts are tired.

My goal today is to jot down EVERY thought I have about love. True love and what that means and represents. Then I shall compare my life, feelings and love to that list. I will make that list without any regards to my current situation. I will do my best to write it up from a standpoint before I was hurt. It’ll almost be like a pros vs cons list. Can I check off more that are current in my life or not? We shall see.

Help!

I don’t know what’s come over my mind but after nearly 11 months I have this sudden urge to contact the whore and ask her for HER side of the story. I want to know what she says happened that night.

Is this stupid? Am I opening up a can of worms I shouldn’t? Do I just let it go and trust that MP is telling me the truth? Why would this whore tell me the truth anyway? Will she make it worse than it was and then I won’t know who to believe?? I worry she’ll contact MP and I don’t want that. Though I will most likely tell her that I contacted her.

I don’t know why NOW after all this time I’m doing this. I have thought about it before but always talked myself out of it, but this time I’ve actually typed up the email and am ready to hit send. My anxiety is out the roof, is this worth it??

To plunge or not to plunge….

If you follow my blog you are well aware that I am in a same-sex relationship. We’ve been together nearly 12 years. Obviously most of our relationship we were unable to legally get married. I have been married previously and wasn’t extremely gung-ho to take that step again. We always said that we didn’t need a piece of paper to show our commitment. I still believe this.

As if it wasn’t hard enough to be temporarily separated from my partner and know that her feelings for me had changed (or so she thought) the same-sex marriage law changed in our state the exact same time. Mother asshole. I swear I was truly being punished for everything I did all in one month. So of course with that news and the fear of losing her forever I was devastated that I couldn’t marry her when everyone else was running to the courthouse. I cannot tell you how many people asked, text, messaged me about when are you and K getting married??? We were many people’s “model” couple and often were told how adorable and perfect we are. I thought the same thing. I thought she did too.

I kept saying to myself that I would marry her in a heartbeat right now. Though I may have hesitated in the past, I now knew what I could lose. Now do I think being married would have solved or prevented any of this? Obviously not, but I was just so shattered by the thought of her not being a part of my life.

Now, as we all know, we are free to marry anywhere, anytime, with anyone…. but I’m not sure I want to. She would have married me the day she came home. I wasn’t ready. Not sure I am yet. But why? One person said to me, wouldn’t that mean a huge commitment to me and make me feel more secure? I said “yea I get what you’re saying” but I want to be SURE this is what I want. But why am I still not sure? I trust her, yes I do. She’s grown in many ways and so have I. We laugh, spend every minute we have together, we’re closer than we have been in YEARS (or ever) we connect deeper… so what’s my deal? Why does this scare me? Why do I feel that I’m not sure I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I mean, yea the obvious part about hurting me but is that it? It’s not like I think I can find better, that’s the last thing on my mind and truly she treats me amazing, always has (except last year).

The more I think about it and analyze it I think it’s bc we’ve changed., I’ve changed. This whole situation has made me a different person, and in many ways, it’s a good thing. I know we were compatible before all this but now I’ve changed a lot and I’m not as sure we’re as compatible as we were. But is that my mind just playing with me, listening to my emotions more? We have the same goals, the same dreams, the same passions… I just feel I’ve grown up a lot, I’ve learned a lot and have become less dependent. I don’t get angry and bitchy as I used to, I don’t get upset over little things, I take life for what it is, I understand people better and if I don’t, I don’t get worked up and argue things. All this taught me the biggest lesson, I can’t control people or life. What happens, happens. Sometimes it’s things we wish we never faced but when it’s not your choice, there’s nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I feel I’ve progressed in areas that she hasn’t and I wonder if I’m okay with that. I know she can’t be me and vice versa, but I just thought we were more on the same page of taking life one step at a time and accepting things we can’t change. I find we still cannot agree often when it comes to my son and that’s a hard one to swallow. Sometimes I wish I had raised him on my own, nothing against her, I’m glad that she was in my life and his but sometimes I think things would have been different with him and I if I had done it by myself. But that was my choice, I choose love. I just often felt like I was the rope in a tug-o-war battle and it literally ripped me apart many times. I truly think that’s the only thing that is hard for me to accept about her. Granted, I know she went thru a lot too, he was not (and still is not) the easiest child. He’s got a lot of anger issues. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He can be fun and silly but extremely angry at any given moment. He’s negative and hateful. He didn’t get this from us, neither of us has ever been like that. He has put a wedge between us often and she has put a wedge between him and I at times as well. It was hard, very hard and I think I hold some resentment for that. He’s 20 now and time for him to begin his own life but the way it’s going, not sure that’ll happen anytime soon and that holds us back.

Do I feel I’m not the same person and maybe she isn’t the one for me? I don’t think so, but just wish I was more sure. Just now I met her for lunch, we often walk together so we can see each other during the day, we never did this before. When I see her I usually feel good about it, there are times I’m slightly anxious, especially since we were walking in the city and we all know what that does to me. But I know She loves me so much, tells me all the time. She says seeing me during the day is the best part of her day. This morning, she rolled over and said what she always says (now) “good morning, beautiful” and then she proceeded to say “I love waking up next to you.”…. God those are the things we all want to hear, I love that she feels this way & expresses it, so what the hell’s my problem?

There are days I’m like “Ok, this is what I want” and I’ll even look at rings and dream of being her wife, but is that enough? If I don’t feel this way every day, should I even consider it? How long do I wait? When will I know? A friend asked me yesterday, do you think maybe you’ll be ready to marry in a year? I said “I hope so but if I’m hesitant after another year then I think that’s my answer”…. sadly I don’t want to waste her time or mine with uncertainty. I wish I was ready now, I wish I knew what I wanted 100% and some days I think I do and then others I don’t. Sometimes I even wish she’s just ask me and then I’d have to make a decision but I know she’s hesitant bc she knows I’m not sure. I wish she’d just do what she wanted in life and see where it takes her…. oh wait, she did that and we see how well that went.

Never, ever in the 11 years prior to last year did I ever doubt my love for her. Never. God I hate being confused about my own feelings and life.