Here I am again. Not sure why. Not sure it’s good or bad. But I am.
2 days ago I posted on this blog after a one year sabbatical. My thinking was “Wow, I’ve healed & I want to share that”. I want to check in & see how others are doing. Now I want to share a few thoughts since that post.
First, I have not 100% healed, we never do.
Life DOES go on, no matter what. It doesn’t mean it’ll go on perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’ll heal & never hurt again. It just means, life does go on.
Sadly, I think I have “fueled” my triggers by returning. Sigh. Let me ‘splain.
In the past few months I have engrossed myself in learning & practicing the Law of Attraction. Something I found to be a silly crock years back. A friend gave me a book called “The Secret” to read, think I got 1, maybe 2 chapters in & said I can’t even comprehend this, it doesn’t make any sense & it’s irrational so I gave it back to her.
I’m in a completely different place than I was a few years ago or even 1 year ago. Life is ever changing & so are we. I have read a lot about the LOA, watched videos, have had discussions & I practice it frequently. Thus the numerous post-its around my monitor & the writings on my mirrors at home. I use it to create a happy atmosphere & also for my personal growth & business growth. Has it worked? Honestly, I believe it has. Not overnight, maybe not the magnitude I want it to be at right now, but I do believe you attract what your mind is thinking about.
That being said, my mind has thought about the past TOO much the past 2 days. No, this didn’t bring on another affair LOL but the triggers seem more intense, more frequent. Ones I thought were gone. I can feel my mood shifting, a distance setting in between myself & my partner. THAT quickly, I feel almost like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards & I don’t like it.
I don’t necessarily think MY blog post fueled it. I found myself looking at my fellow blogger’s blogs to see how they’re doing & yes, as usual, I got caught up in a few. I felt sadness for them, anger for them, hatred towards their spouses. I found a new betrayed & read her blog from beginning to end. D Day was in December for her & as I read her blog I found myself saying “OMG why did she stick around? He’s such a liar!” and that was wrong of me, all cheaters are liars. I am not in her shoes, I don’t know her or him, but her blog was like a 50 Shades of Grey novel (not that I’d know, never read it) and it just kept me wanting to know more! And the more I knew, the more I was like “What a dick! He has no respect! This is the ULTIMATE & she deserves better!”
So, as I left for the day, I just felt different. A shift in my normal peppy mood. My mind was still spinning around the details of the fellow blogger’s story & wanting to know more, how is she doing? when will she post again? Will they make it? Will he really stay faithful? Is the baby truly not his?
I felt a distance between myself & my partner, no fault of hers (well, you know what I mean) Like the feelings of hurt slowly crept in. I felt a glare while looking at her reminding myself what she had done. I didn’t like what I was feeling but I felt like it was there, I had to deal with it best I could.
Wednesdays are date night. We headed to dinner, which was fine, we chatted a lot about our personal business & how to make improvements then decided to go shoot a few rounds of pool. I caught myself several times, flashing back to thoughts I hadn’t had in awhile. My mind kept replaying the “movies” in my head. Looking at her & asking myself if I truly, truly loved her and is it enough? Am I holding us both back by not being able to love her like I did before? Don’t get me wrong, I DO love her & believe I’ll always love her more than anyone, but it’s different now, like we’ve said before, it’ll never be the same, it just can’t. But is it enough? Am I robbing either of us of a more happy life? These thoughts sucked! I didn’t want to think them.
I felt I wasn’t enjoying our time as much as I should or normally have. I was disappointed in myself. I was feeling disappointed that she put me in this place to feel this way….still. So I had to pep talk myself & say “cut this out! You are better than this! The past is the past, you have moved on!”
My anxiety was heightened, I have extreme anxiety issues about everything and just about anything can trigger it & it sucks. So I tried to keep myself in the moment & enjoy our evening. It wasn’t working, I felt I could barely breathe, it was a struggle to smile or have a conversation, I wanted to just go home, crawl into bed & get this day over with.
Then there it was. The ONE song I still cannot handle hearing. It was the song the whore posted on her FB page about my partner. There it was, blaring (louder in my head, I’m sure) over the speakers everywhere throughout the restaurant/bar we were at. The game couldn’t end quick enough. I couldn’t move fast enough to pay the tab, hustle my ass up the stairs & get the hell outta that building. You know how it makes you mad when THEY don’t feel or go through what you’re going through because they have no clue or just aren’t in that same place? That’s how I felt. It’s like I wanted her to KNOW & look at me and just say “I’m sorry, let’s go” but I guarantee you she didn’t even hear it & for some reason that makes me mad, like THEY should feel what we feel in these instances, but they never will.
For the first time in awhile, I just wanted to sob. I felt hurt all over. I felt sad & somewhat angry. But I wasn’t sure if I was angry at HER or at myself for allowing this to escalate to this point.
When we got home, I took a few minutes outside (had a quick smoke) to gather my thoughts & feelings and calm the anxiety. Got ready for bed & just wanted to sleep my head hurt so bad. Oddly, she says to me “Can I hold you?”… it’s not that we don’t cuddle, we do often but she hasn’t asked to “hold me” in awhile. Sometimes I think they’re not as oblivious as we think. I don’t believe she knew what exactly was going on with me but maybe she sensed something. She told me she missed holding me like that & just talking. It crossed my mind for a millisecond to talk to her about what I was feeling but honestly, I just wanted to go to sleep & forget about the whole day. So that’s what I did.
I will admit, these blogs, this site, are addicting. But I need to choose wiser. It’s not that betrayeds don’t want to support each other, ones that have “recovered” can be such amazing encouragers that I believe we all need but we have to know our limits and know that returning to scenarios that once caused us extreme, intense hurt is only fueling the old flames to spark again (bad analogy regarding affairs)
That being said, I’m going to do my best to refrain from posting or reading blogs regarding affairs. I’m obviously not as healed or as strong as I thought I was & am not ready to encounter & relive these memories yet. Though it was a terrific gateway, I now see how daily blogging just kept fueling the thoughts. But we must do what helps us get through.
So to the “new” blogger who hasn’t posted in about 2 months, I’m happy for you 🙂 I believe (or hope) that’s a good sign.