Fueling the triggers…

Here I am again. Not sure why. Not sure it’s good or bad. But I am.

2 days ago I posted on this blog after a one year sabbatical. My thinking was “Wow, I’ve healed & I want to share that”. I want to check in & see how others are doing. Now I want to share a few thoughts since that post.

First, I have not 100% healed, we never do.

Life DOES go on, no matter what. It doesn’t mean it’ll go on perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’ll heal & never hurt again. It just means, life does go on.

Sadly, I think I have “fueled” my triggers by returning. Sigh. Let me ‘splain.

In the past few months I have engrossed myself in learning & practicing the Law of Attraction. Something I found to be a silly crock years back. A friend gave me a book called “The Secret” to read, think I got 1, maybe 2 chapters in & said I can’t even comprehend this, it doesn’t make any sense & it’s irrational so I gave it back to her.

I’m in a completely different place than I was a few years ago or even 1 year ago. Life is ever changing & so are we. I have read a lot about the LOA, watched videos, have had discussions & I practice it frequently. Thus the numerous post-its around my monitor & the writings on my mirrors at home. I use it to create a happy atmosphere & also for my personal growth & business growth. Has it worked? Honestly, I believe it has. Not overnight, maybe not the magnitude I want it to be at right now, but I do believe you attract what your mind is thinking about.

That being said, my mind has thought about the past TOO much the past 2 days. No, this didn’t bring on another affair LOL but the triggers seem more intense, more frequent. Ones I thought were gone. I can feel my mood shifting, a distance setting in between myself & my partner. THAT quickly, I feel almost like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards & I don’t like it.

I don’t necessarily think MY blog post fueled it. I found myself looking at my fellow blogger’s blogs to see how they’re doing & yes, as usual, I got caught up in a few. I felt sadness for them, anger for them, hatred towards their spouses. I found a new betrayed & read her blog from beginning to end. D Day was in December for her & as I read her blog I found myself saying “OMG why did she stick around? He’s such a liar!” and that was wrong of me, all cheaters are liars. I am not in her shoes, I don’t know her or him, but her blog was like a 50 Shades of Grey novel (not that I’d know, never read it) and it just kept me wanting to know more! And the more I knew, the more I was like “What a dick! He has no respect! This is the ULTIMATE & she deserves better!”

So, as I left for the day, I just felt different. A shift in my normal peppy mood. My mind was still spinning around the details of the fellow blogger’s story & wanting to know more, how is she doing? when will she post again? Will they make it? Will he really stay faithful? Is the baby truly not his?

I felt a distance between myself & my partner, no fault of hers (well, you know what I mean) Like the feelings of hurt slowly crept in. I felt a glare while looking at her reminding myself what she had done. I didn’t like what I was feeling but I felt like it was there, I had to deal with it best I could.

Wednesdays are date night. We headed to dinner, which was fine, we chatted a lot about our personal business & how to make improvements then decided to go shoot a few rounds of pool. I caught myself several times, flashing back to thoughts I hadn’t had in awhile. My mind kept replaying the “movies” in my head. Looking at her & asking myself if I truly, truly loved her and is it enough? Am I holding us both back by not being able to love her like I did before? Don’t get me wrong, I DO love her & believe I’ll always love her more than anyone, but it’s different now, like we’ve said before, it’ll never be the same, it just can’t. But is it enough? Am I robbing either of us of a more happy life? These thoughts sucked! I didn’t want to think them.

I felt I wasn’t enjoying our time as much as I should or normally have. I was disappointed in myself. I was feeling disappointed that she put me in this place to feel this way….still. So I had to pep talk myself & say “cut this out! You are better than this! The past is the past, you have moved on!”

My anxiety was heightened, I have extreme anxiety issues about everything and just about anything can trigger it & it sucks. So I tried to keep myself in the moment & enjoy our evening. It wasn’t working, I felt I could barely breathe, it was a struggle to smile or have a conversation, I wanted to just go home, crawl into bed & get this day over with.

Then there it was. The ONE song I still cannot handle hearing. It was the song the whore posted on her FB page about my partner. There it was, blaring (louder in my head, I’m sure) over the speakers everywhere throughout the restaurant/bar we were at. The game couldn’t end quick enough. I couldn’t move fast enough to pay the tab, hustle my ass up the stairs & get the hell outta that building. You know how it makes you mad when THEY don’t feel or go through what you’re going through because they have no clue or just aren’t in that same place? That’s how I felt. It’s like I wanted her to KNOW & look at me and just say “I’m sorry, let’s go” but I guarantee you she didn’t even hear it & for some reason that makes me mad, like THEY should feel what we feel in these instances, but they never will.

For the first time in awhile, I just wanted to sob. I felt hurt all over. I felt sad & somewhat angry. But I wasn’t sure if I was angry at HER or at myself for allowing this to escalate to this point.

When we got home, I took a few minutes outside (had a quick smoke) to gather my thoughts & feelings and calm the anxiety. Got ready for bed & just wanted to sleep my head hurt so bad. Oddly, she says to me “Can I hold you?”… it’s not that we don’t cuddle, we do often but she hasn’t asked to “hold me” in awhile. Sometimes I think they’re not as oblivious as we think. I don’t believe she knew what exactly was going on with me but maybe she sensed something. She told me she missed holding me like that & just talking. It crossed my mind for a millisecond to talk to her about what I was feeling but honestly, I just wanted to go to sleep & forget about the whole day. So that’s what I did.

I will admit, these blogs, this site, are addicting. But I need to choose wiser. It’s not that betrayeds don’t want to support each other, ones that have “recovered” can be such amazing encouragers that I believe we all need but we have to know our limits and know that returning to scenarios that once caused us extreme, intense hurt is only fueling the old flames to spark again (bad analogy regarding affairs)

That being said, I’m going to do my best to refrain from posting or reading blogs regarding affairs. I’m obviously not as healed or as strong as I thought I was & am not ready to encounter & relive these memories yet. Though it was a terrific gateway, I now see how daily blogging just kept fueling the thoughts. But we must do what helps us get through.

So to the “new” blogger who hasn’t posted in about 2 months, I’m happy for you 🙂 I believe (or hope) that’s a good sign.

Life goes on… if you let it.

Wow… I haven’t been here in over a year!! I will say that’s a good thing.

Only reason I am today is that I decided to start blogging again… but not on this site. Why? Because I’ve moved on. 100%? Nah, do we ever? Sure there are still moments of hurt & triggers but as I look back & compare to now, life is much different. We are much better, I am much better.

I believe the process is “to each their own”. There are so many dependents on how easy or difficult it is to move on. No one can judge another one’s hurt. I still remember thinking I would never be okay again. I would never love her deeply again. I wouldn’t ever go a day without feeling the hurt. This isn’t so. Do I still think of it? Yes, at times. Mostly because of triggers, but it’s not daily like it was. And when a trigger happens the time is so much shorter & the pain is less intense, that’s when you know you’re healing.

Do I love her differently? Yes, of course I do, things are different but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her as much as I possibly can & I believe that in each waking day, it’ll grow. I have weak moments, moments where I wonder where we would be if this didn’t all happen but I don’t know & I never will know so why stay stuck in that thought?

She has dealt with every outrage & every emotion. If I would bring it up tomorrow, she would listen, she would try to understand. She wouldn’t say “aren’t you over that?”

I remind myself every day that NO ONE is perfect, everyone fucks up in life. There are different magnitudes but we’ve all hurt someone if not many someones. She is human. Yes it sucks we had to go through this but for some reason we did. I may never figure that out, or maybe I already have, that’s for me to figure out. I know that I’m grateful for the forgiveness I’ve received for the times I fucked up, which has been plenty!

I no longer feel that she didn’t love me. I longer feel that she was looking for something else. I longer wonder if she had true feelings for OW. I no longer compare myself. I no longer hear those awful things she said to me.

I do still get insecure, but that’s me, I’ve always been that way. I do sometimes, but not often, worry if it’ll happen again. I think I’m just more aware of what life can throw at you. I was living in a fairy tale world where she could do no harm, no matter what I did or said and things would be just fine. Wake up calls suck but at times I guess we need them.

The past 2 years have been rough, ups & downs. Insecurities about where my life was going. But through her determination to make things “right” and my determination to give it another try, I believe we’ve done a damn good job. We lost some friends along the way & I’m okay with that. If they were meant to be in your life, then they would be. We’ve done a lot of different & amazing things together that we wouldn’t have before.

Are some things back to reality? Yes. Sometimes I miss the dramatics of it, if that makes sense? Meaning she was SO attentive, so afraid to screw up, her emotions were raw, we talked deeply but that’s because of the situation it gave us something deep to talk about. We still cuddle every night, maybe not as tight as before. We still send sweet text saying have a good day or that we miss each other, maybe not as often. We still do things together, maybe not joined at the hip like we were for awhile. We still are intimate, definitely not to the extent HB was but it’s probably safe to say that won’t last forever, though we might want that part to 🙂 Life does settle back in, the dust is settling so is life. We still have jobs, kids, pets, chores, families, bad days and more that haven’t disappeared & that need attention. It’s a balancing act & we do our best every day to make sure that those other things don’t override our focus, which is us and our happiness. We may not get it right every time but we do our best in hopes that next time we’ll do a little better.

I have no wise, perfect words. No one can tell you whether it’s worth it or not. Only you know that & you won’t for awhile. I know it took quite some time for me to be 100% sure I wanted to do this, that I wanted to fight. The struggle was real & it was hard, real fucking hard & I never want to go through that again. But I believe in the end, I made the right choice. I don’t see my life without her. I do believe she was brought in my life for a reason & that is to love me like no other, even through the hurt. How can I compare one incident to 13 years of admiration? I remember my first therapist saying to me “Are you going to let these 3 months override the past 12 years?” At that moment, I said yes. It was too early for that shit! I fired her ass lol, anyway. NOW, 2 years later I can say no, I’m not going to let some stupid, thoughtless, confused moment in our lives ruin what could have been. But that’s a choice only you can make, your heart knows, you have to listen when it’s done healing.

Hugs to all my hurting blog friends ❤ Hang in there.

 

Life without…

It makes me sad that often times I have to make myself think about life without my partner so that I can bring myself back to knowing that I want her in my life.

I don’t often think about parting ways, but I still do at times. You know those times, when the pain and hurt gets the best of you and you feel like you just can’t go on doing this anymore.

Many of you are well aware that my partner has been amazing through all this. She does everything needed and goes out of her way to remind me of her love and devotion. Sometimes I go back and read about other waywards so that I can give myself a reality check.

I hate it though that there are times I have to stop and think “what if today was her or my last day?” Would I be okay with how things are? How they “ended”? What if I don’t wake up tomorrow or vice versa. Did I do and say everything I wanted to? Will she truly know I love her? I’d say the answer to that would be no. Because she told me so.

She said there are times she can look at me and feel my love and other times she wonders if I truly do love her. Strangely, I feel the same way. About my love, not hers. I don’t doubt her love for me, I truly don’t. Its mine I doubt at times. Do I even know what love is anymore? I thought I did and then the world took a shit on me and now I feel as if I’m not sure what love is & that’s stupid because I DO know what love is. And it is full of mistakes & forgiveness. Some bigger, some small. Yes this is one of the biggest to face but it’s what my love was faced with. It sucks, but I have no choice.

I take myself back, one year ago and what I felt when we were apart. Sadly, I thought I was a strong woman until that time. I crumbled. I was not alive. I was dead inside. I never felt so lost and alone. I begged and pleaded for her to return “no matter what”… and she did. So is it because I have what I wanted that now I feel that I’m not sure?? I knew I loved her when she left. I knew I loved her when she said those hurtful things. I knew I loved her when I knew she was interested in someone else. I knew I Loved her when I knew she was seeing someone else. So why do I second guess if I love her now? Because I have her. I have her love. So it’s like a mental game. I wanted it, wanted it, wanted it and got it. And now I’m like “eh, I’m not sure I want it now”. Enough mental games. I’m tired, she’s tired, our hearts are tired.

My goal today is to jot down EVERY thought I have about love. True love and what that means and represents. Then I shall compare my life, feelings and love to that list. I will make that list without any regards to my current situation. I will do my best to write it up from a standpoint before I was hurt. It’ll almost be like a pros vs cons list. Can I check off more that are current in my life or not? We shall see.

Help!

I don’t know what’s come over my mind but after nearly 11 months I have this sudden urge to contact the whore and ask her for HER side of the story. I want to know what she says happened that night.

Is this stupid? Am I opening up a can of worms I shouldn’t? Do I just let it go and trust that MP is telling me the truth? Why would this whore tell me the truth anyway? Will she make it worse than it was and then I won’t know who to believe?? I worry she’ll contact MP and I don’t want that. Though I will most likely tell her that I contacted her.

I don’t know why NOW after all this time I’m doing this. I have thought about it before but always talked myself out of it, but this time I’ve actually typed up the email and am ready to hit send. My anxiety is out the roof, is this worth it??

To plunge or not to plunge….

If you follow my blog you are well aware that I am in a same-sex relationship. We’ve been together nearly 12 years. Obviously most of our relationship we were unable to legally get married. I have been married previously and wasn’t extremely gung-ho to take that step again. We always said that we didn’t need a piece of paper to show our commitment. I still believe this.

As if it wasn’t hard enough to be temporarily separated from my partner and know that her feelings for me had changed (or so she thought) the same-sex marriage law changed in our state the exact same time. Mother asshole. I swear I was truly being punished for everything I did all in one month. So of course with that news and the fear of losing her forever I was devastated that I couldn’t marry her when everyone else was running to the courthouse. I cannot tell you how many people asked, text, messaged me about when are you and K getting married??? We were many people’s “model” couple and often were told how adorable and perfect we are. I thought the same thing. I thought she did too.

I kept saying to myself that I would marry her in a heartbeat right now. Though I may have hesitated in the past, I now knew what I could lose. Now do I think being married would have solved or prevented any of this? Obviously not, but I was just so shattered by the thought of her not being a part of my life.

Now, as we all know, we are free to marry anywhere, anytime, with anyone…. but I’m not sure I want to. She would have married me the day she came home. I wasn’t ready. Not sure I am yet. But why? One person said to me, wouldn’t that mean a huge commitment to me and make me feel more secure? I said “yea I get what you’re saying” but I want to be SURE this is what I want. But why am I still not sure? I trust her, yes I do. She’s grown in many ways and so have I. We laugh, spend every minute we have together, we’re closer than we have been in YEARS (or ever) we connect deeper… so what’s my deal? Why does this scare me? Why do I feel that I’m not sure I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I mean, yea the obvious part about hurting me but is that it? It’s not like I think I can find better, that’s the last thing on my mind and truly she treats me amazing, always has (except last year).

The more I think about it and analyze it I think it’s bc we’ve changed., I’ve changed. This whole situation has made me a different person, and in many ways, it’s a good thing. I know we were compatible before all this but now I’ve changed a lot and I’m not as sure we’re as compatible as we were. But is that my mind just playing with me, listening to my emotions more? We have the same goals, the same dreams, the same passions… I just feel I’ve grown up a lot, I’ve learned a lot and have become less dependent. I don’t get angry and bitchy as I used to, I don’t get upset over little things, I take life for what it is, I understand people better and if I don’t, I don’t get worked up and argue things. All this taught me the biggest lesson, I can’t control people or life. What happens, happens. Sometimes it’s things we wish we never faced but when it’s not your choice, there’s nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I feel I’ve progressed in areas that she hasn’t and I wonder if I’m okay with that. I know she can’t be me and vice versa, but I just thought we were more on the same page of taking life one step at a time and accepting things we can’t change. I find we still cannot agree often when it comes to my son and that’s a hard one to swallow. Sometimes I wish I had raised him on my own, nothing against her, I’m glad that she was in my life and his but sometimes I think things would have been different with him and I if I had done it by myself. But that was my choice, I choose love. I just often felt like I was the rope in a tug-o-war battle and it literally ripped me apart many times. I truly think that’s the only thing that is hard for me to accept about her. Granted, I know she went thru a lot too, he was not (and still is not) the easiest child. He’s got a lot of anger issues. He’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He can be fun and silly but extremely angry at any given moment. He’s negative and hateful. He didn’t get this from us, neither of us has ever been like that. He has put a wedge between us often and she has put a wedge between him and I at times as well. It was hard, very hard and I think I hold some resentment for that. He’s 20 now and time for him to begin his own life but the way it’s going, not sure that’ll happen anytime soon and that holds us back.

Do I feel I’m not the same person and maybe she isn’t the one for me? I don’t think so, but just wish I was more sure. Just now I met her for lunch, we often walk together so we can see each other during the day, we never did this before. When I see her I usually feel good about it, there are times I’m slightly anxious, especially since we were walking in the city and we all know what that does to me. But I know She loves me so much, tells me all the time. She says seeing me during the day is the best part of her day. This morning, she rolled over and said what she always says (now) “good morning, beautiful” and then she proceeded to say “I love waking up next to you.”…. God those are the things we all want to hear, I love that she feels this way & expresses it, so what the hell’s my problem?

There are days I’m like “Ok, this is what I want” and I’ll even look at rings and dream of being her wife, but is that enough? If I don’t feel this way every day, should I even consider it? How long do I wait? When will I know? A friend asked me yesterday, do you think maybe you’ll be ready to marry in a year? I said “I hope so but if I’m hesitant after another year then I think that’s my answer”…. sadly I don’t want to waste her time or mine with uncertainty. I wish I was ready now, I wish I knew what I wanted 100% and some days I think I do and then others I don’t. Sometimes I even wish she’s just ask me and then I’d have to make a decision but I know she’s hesitant bc she knows I’m not sure. I wish she’d just do what she wanted in life and see where it takes her…. oh wait, she did that and we see how well that went.

Never, ever in the 11 years prior to last year did I ever doubt my love for her. Never. God I hate being confused about my own feelings and life.

What is an Affair?

Hmm… I agree with this, wholeheartedly. BUT I could pick this apart enough that this would say that my partner did not have an affair. Do I wanna pick it apart? I thought about it then thought, whether it would be classified as an affair or not, her actions and words were hurtful and it caused a lot of heart ache. So in the end, maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was. Maybe I have no right to call myself a betrayed spouse. But in the end it felt like it.

thezombieshuffle

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What is an affair? When does an affair become an affair?

In the past I’ve talked about how commonly people seem to consider an affair occurring only when you have had sex with the other person.

To me, that interpretation is really broken.

Sex seems like a level that affairs hit when they have reached “the point of no return”, but it has always seemed to me that the “affair” started long before that.

Affairs don’t just happen. There are any number of choices made by both parties that lead to an affair. But at what point does a relationship cross that line?

I’ve been searching for a better way of describing and identifying an affair, and recently came across it in the form of a Ted Talk video by Esther Perel. If you haven’t seen it, it’s truly a great video and well worth spending 20 mins on.

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Unpredictability

Well, isn’t life just full of surprises? Sure wish they were all FUN surprises. I am not religious, more on the spiritual side more so than ever. Sometimes you have to reach out… to something, even though you may not know what that is, it makes you feel less alone. I don’t know what or who is playing Russian roulette with my life but there’s something happening to challenge me in different ways.

I’ve felt very tested over the past year, things have happened that have tested me in so many ways. My thoughts and behaviors have changed. I am less controlling as I’ve learned I can’t control much in life, just myself. What I do and what I think. That’s hard in itself let alone trying to control others which is what I have done most of my life. I was taught a hard lesson in control and more so every day.

Sometimes I feel that when we’re faced with a crappy life situation, another one is thrown at us. Not to challenge us or make life more miserable but maybe it’s a way of saying “let’s focus on something else” or “you haven’t quite learned all you need to learn yet”. Focusing on my hurt and shit storm for the past year is what I’ve focused on every day for over 365 days. It’s tiring. Draining. It gets old, even for me. I often say I can’t wait for the day I just don’t think about it anymore.

Last night, another curve ball was thrown my way. I’m going to be a grandma (gonna have to work on that word as I don’t like this one) Yep, at 41 (will be 42) I’m going to be a grandma. It’s not the excitement we all dream of when we find out this kind of news. It’s not much of a celebration, but it is what it is. I can’t control the situation, I can’t change it, I can only accept it and continue pursuing a happy life.

I was a young mommy, so who am I to judge? Am I disappointed? Of course, but it’s the path my son is taking and I can’t change that. I don’t adore his girlfriend, I don’t believe she’s “good” for him but again, it’s not my choice. He too will learn many lessons from here on out.

As I talked to my partner last night I said life is so unpredictable and it never happens the way we plan. I know neither of us planned for our relationship to go through what it’s gone through, we never pictured it happening this way, but who does? No one pictures hurt and sadness. We all have a “picture perfect” life in our heads but who can truly say their life was perfect? No one that I know. It’s not possible.

Unlike maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I didn’t flip out on my son. I didn’t tell him how much he screwed up, I didn’t make his decision even harder. I listened, I advised how much he will have to take more responsibility in life and how this is a LIFETIME decision. It’s a hard road, one I faced and many others have as well and just like the rest of us, he’ll survive. He said “Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together”… maybe. Not the one I would have hoped for but there’s worse that could happen.

So it is what it is. I know my partner has concerns about our future now and I understand her concerns. But like I told her last night, she says to me every day not to fear or live in the future, just take each day as it comes and focus on the love and life we have now. And that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know where I, nor he, nor she will be in a year or so from now, but I’ll continue down my rocky path called life conquering the unpredictable boulders tossed my way.