What is an Affair?

Hmm… I agree with this, wholeheartedly. BUT I could pick this apart enough that this would say that my partner did not have an affair. Do I wanna pick it apart? I thought about it then thought, whether it would be classified as an affair or not, her actions and words were hurtful and it caused a lot of heart ache. So in the end, maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was. Maybe I have no right to call myself a betrayed spouse. But in the end it felt like it.

thezombieshuffle

What is an affair? When does an affair become an affair?

In the past I’ve talked about how commonly people seem to consider an affair occurring only when you have had sex with the other person.

To me, that interpretation is really broken.

Sex seems like a level that affairs hit when they have reached “the point of no return”, but it has always seemed to me that the “affair” started long before that.

Affairs don’t just happen. There are any number of choices made by both parties that lead to an affair. But at what point does a relationship cross that line?

I’ve been searching for a better way of describing and identifying an affair, and recently came across it in the form of a Ted Talk video by Esther Perel. If you haven’t seen it, it’s truly a great video and well worth spending 20 mins on.

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Unpredictability

Well, isn’t life just full of surprises? Sure wish they were all FUN surprises. I am not religious, more on the spiritual side more so than ever. Sometimes you have to reach out… to something, even though you may not know what that is, it makes you feel less alone. I don’t know what or who is playing Russian roulette with my life but there’s something happening to challenge me in different ways.

I’ve felt very tested over the past year, things have happened that have tested me in so many ways. My thoughts and behaviors have changed. I am less controlling as I’ve learned I can’t control much in life, just myself. What I do and what I think. That’s hard in itself let alone trying to control others which is what I have done most of my life. I was taught a hard lesson in control and more so every day.

Sometimes I feel that when we’re faced with a crappy life situation, another one is thrown at us. Not to challenge us or make life more miserable but maybe it’s a way of saying “let’s focus on something else” or “you haven’t quite learned all you need to learn yet”. Focusing on my hurt and shit storm for the past year is what I’ve focused on every day for over 365 days. It’s tiring. Draining. It gets old, even for me. I often say I can’t wait for the day I just don’t think about it anymore.

Last night, another curve ball was thrown my way. I’m going to be a grandma (gonna have to work on that word as I don’t like this one) Yep, at 41 (will be 42) I’m going to be a grandma. It’s not the excitement we all dream of when we find out this kind of news. It’s not much of a celebration, but it is what it is. I can’t control the situation, I can’t change it, I can only accept it and continue pursuing a happy life.

I was a young mommy, so who am I to judge? Am I disappointed? Of course, but it’s the path my son is taking and I can’t change that. I don’t adore his girlfriend, I don’t believe she’s “good” for him but again, it’s not my choice. He too will learn many lessons from here on out.

As I talked to my partner last night I said life is so unpredictable and it never happens the way we plan. I know neither of us planned for our relationship to go through what it’s gone through, we never pictured it happening this way, but who does? No one pictures hurt and sadness. We all have a “picture perfect” life in our heads but who can truly say their life was perfect? No one that I know. It’s not possible.

Unlike maybe 2 or 3 years ago, I didn’t flip out on my son. I didn’t tell him how much he screwed up, I didn’t make his decision even harder. I listened, I advised how much he will have to take more responsibility in life and how this is a LIFETIME decision. It’s a hard road, one I faced and many others have as well and just like the rest of us, he’ll survive. He said “Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed to get my shit together”… maybe. Not the one I would have hoped for but there’s worse that could happen.

So it is what it is. I know my partner has concerns about our future now and I understand her concerns. But like I told her last night, she says to me every day not to fear or live in the future, just take each day as it comes and focus on the love and life we have now. And that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know where I, nor he, nor she will be in a year or so from now, but I’ll continue down my rocky path called life conquering the unpredictable boulders tossed my way.

Survived

Vacation was wonderful, let’s be real though and say I definitely had to battle quite a few thoughts and moments as this was the exact dates my partner was with the whore. Those thoughts crept into my mind more than I’d like but I’m a fighter and I survived.

We talked nothing about it and that was my goal. I wanted to get through it and not relive it. I can’t really relive it anyway since I wasn’t there, but as we all know, we relive the mind movies every day. I kept telling myself she is with me, those few moments in time that were taken from me mean nothing.

My partner planned a beautiful weekend in Annapolis, MD. I’ve always wanted to visit there, it’s beautiful and quaint. I did feel I needed to be busy a lot to keep my mind off things. This weekend was a HUGE double whammy for me as it was the infidelity weekend and Father’s Day weekend. I lost my dad 8 years ago and this is one of the hardest days of the year. He was my true hero, my heart and soul and I miss him so dearly.

Saturday she got us tickets to a music fest, as I love music. It was nice to hear original music, not all that poppy, love crap on the radio. It was a scorcher so we hung for a few hours, had a drink, some grub and then headed back to the hotel. Friday and Saturday were the tough days, since Friday was the night it all started but went into early Saturday. But because the days shift each year, the dates lingered into Sunday. I tried to keep my mind from thinking about what was taking place a year ago, but it was hard. We played a game that had us laughing quite a bit and had a few drinks. Even drinking can trigger me as that’s what they did the night they went out, but I sucked it up & sucked ’em down!

When I know my mind won’t shut down that’s when I tell myself it’s time to go to bed and put that day and those thoughts to rest. I know often times she isn’t always tired but I know my limits and though I hate cutting our night short, I just need the peace of mind to refuel.

We did lots of window shopping, ice cream eating 🙂 and had a lot of good times. She scheduled a sunset sailboat cruise on Sunday, this was absolutely perfect. I found my anxiety that day pretty high, as it was the overwhelming of the weekend and also father’s day. I had a small meltdown before we left for the cruise. You know, the typical, my outfit isn’t right, my shoes don’t match, my hair isn’t going well, I feel fat kinda feeling. My emotions escalated and I lost it, just started to cry but I didn’t stay there. She comforted me or tried to, but I said  to myself “you’re not going to do this” so I shook it off and had an amazing time on the sailboat.

Check-out rolled around sooner than we wanted but all vacations come to an end. But we just weren’t ready. So we started searching for ideas on Groupon to see what we could do for the day since we didn’t have to return to work until Wednesday. I found discounted tickets for Kings Dominion in VA. I said it sounded fun but it was the opposite direction and we’d have to travel another 1.5 hours just to get there. She basically said “so what, let’s do it!” and so we did. We were like 2 kids! We tried all the water rides (she never went to water parks because she has a fear of water but said she wanted to do one with me) and had a ball!! Then we ventured off to the roller coasters, we rode most of them but by the time the 6th one flipped us around our “old” bodies were feeling it! So we called it a day and headed home.

It does suck that we have these dates etched in our minds. I truly hope one day I don’t remember it, my goal is to make so many new, happy memories that the shitty ones fade away. I know I’ll never forget, that’s not feasible but we can make happier memories that override the bad. And we did just that.

I survived what I dreaded for so many months and I’ll continue to face and survive every obstacle, shitty memory and sad moment with my boxing gloves on, ready to fight…. and WIN!

I got this

I have been repeating this to myself for days. I tell myself it’s just another day. Another 24 hours. It’ll be over. It’s not last year. Don’t think about it. But of course the more I self-talk, the more I realize I AM thinking about it. I really wish I didn’t. I just want to face the next couple days with a smile on my face & love in my heart. I know where I stand with my partner, I know she has undying love for me and she plans on showing me the rest of her life, so why can’t I just focus on that? On the positives. Life is full of ups and downs and disappointments, we wish we didn’t have to face most of them but sometimes it’s out of our control.

We leave for our “surprise” vacation tomorrow after training at work, I don’t feel like I normally do when I’m about to go on vacation and that’s because I’m letting the thoughts get to me but it’s hard not to. I try to say “who cares?” but let’s be realistic, of course I care because it hurt, it directly affected my life, my love and my relationship.

All I can do is focus on the positives & let go of what I can’t change. Yes, easier said than done but I’m strong and I am determined to make my life better than it has been. Wish me luck! 🙂

Why I believe in astrology

My new obsession in elephant journal has me opening my mind up to so many things. Whether it’s yoga, meditation, astrology, the human body… there’s an abundance of interesting information on this site. I even paid the $13/yr to be a member, doesn’t sound like a lot but for many months I was trying to find every way around paying that fee, even deleting my cookies and jumping from computer to computer to read more articles. I realized this was anal and $13 wasn’t going to kill me. Plus, as a person who loves to write, I like to support other writers, and these are solely volunteer writers.

Here’s the latest astrology post about the new moon that arrived yesterday. It speaks of general information during this cycle but then breaks it down by horoscope. I read mine…. and I found myself reading it again and again. Saying “wow, this is so on point”… granted I realize that not EVERY horoscope you read is going to be kismet, but this again pinned me to a tee.  As most of you know from my blogs, I struggle with my feelings of not feeling “in love” like I used to be. So I sometimes doubt if I’m doing the right thing, am I holding on because of security? Because this is all I know? Because I’ve never been alone and I fear it? I ask those questions and some days I get no answers but most days I can say, no. This is not why I’m staying. I know deep down I love her, just like I told her (and others tried to tell her) when she said she didn’t have “in love” feelings for me, that she does love me deep down it’s just masked with hurt and resentment that needs to be resolved. My horoscope said just this, and ya know, it may be just a horoscope but sometimes we need to read things like this to give us that extra boost to keep going, no matter what direction it points you in.

Here’s mine and the link to the article is below, feel free to dabble in all the goodness (and reality) this site has to offer, but remember, you can only read 3/day until you’re a member 🙂

Sagittarius: Is that passion or anger you are feeling in your relationships—or both? Don’t mistake the intense emotion for a lack of love. You are learning to navigate your full range of emotion so let it inform your healing and awakening process without guilt or shame. Letting go and releasing the past is offering you deep cleansing and making space for deeper love to emerge. Tend to your grief, old hurts and losses and start to create a life that feels more nourishing and joyful.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/jyotish-horoscopes-for-the-waxing-moon-cycle-june-16th-to-july-1st/

As the time approaches

This is kinda a ramble. Getting thoughts out as my partner is upstairs putting together final details of my surprise vacation next week. This isn’t just any ordinary vacation, first it’s the first one she’s ever planned on her own. Second it’s a “let’s try to forget what today is” vacation.

This week is trigger mania. Depending on if I’m focusing on the day of the week or the date, today was the first day “they” spent time together. MP went to her apt today after shopping at the outlets. Said it wasn’t long, her son was there and they all just hung out for a bit. Technically date wise, it’s tmrw so not only do I trigger today but I will tmrw as well for the same thing. It’s like a double dose of FUCK!!

I had already decided to take tmrw off and surprisingly she scheduled off too. Idk if she did as support or just bc we like to take days off together. She knows this week is killer for me, at least I hope she does. I know these dates aren’t stuck in her brain like they are mine, I’d love to wipe them out completely if I could.

Day wise, Monday was the night they went to dinner together but date wise it’ll be tuesday… double days, yay. They went to a restaurant we frequented, which I try to forget about but you gotta love those unexpected triggers, like as I’m on the computer at my 2nd job a big old advertisement for THAT restaurant comes across the screen, sigh. Lovely. Thanks for the reminder, I so needed it.

I’m trying really hard NOT to focus on these days. I did well today, we stayed busy. But it sucks how my mind reverts back to last year, trying not to feel how I felt then and now knowing what was taking place as I sat at home crying and missing her every minute.

Then the big one. It’ll span over the whole weekend bc of days vs dates. Friday was the night they met up at the bar, stayed past 2am and then went to her apt where the sexual encounter took place. It makes me sick to think of what she was doing at this time last year. I truly still feel as if it’s not real, that couldn’t have happened, she’d never do that to me. How wrong I am.

I wanna look forward to vacation but I’m ready for this week to be over. She’s doing so much to make this weekend special and I want to enjoy it but I know as the night creeps up I’ll feel more anxious by the minute.

After this week there’s not much to trigger than the usual. They still talked sometimes but MP said it was awkward and she was realizing how much of a mess she was and created and she was not interested in continuing to see this whore. Guess I can be glad it didn’t last long.

I know I’ll get thru this, I have no other choice but I truly despise that she’s made these dates so horrible for me. But in time, it’ll get better. It’ll hurt less and gosh damn it I can’t wait til I no longer think of them ever again.

Can’t we just fast forward a little??

Mid-Life Crisis…Does it exist?

“What’s a midlife crisis? It’s the stuff of jokes and stereotypes — the time in life when you do outrageous, impractical things like quit a job impulsively, buy a red sports car, or dump your spouse.”

“The term crisis often doesn’t fit, mental health experts say, because while it can be accompanied by serious depression, it can also mark a period of tremendous growth. The trick, of course, is to realize when the transition is developing into depression so you can get help.”

I remember hearing this term when I was younger and even in the present day. We would laugh and make some joke about “oh, she/he must be going through a mid-life crisis” *insert LOL* So I decided to look into this more and read about it. I’m considered “mid-life” right now though I don’t believe there’s truly a specific age frame. Granted I don’t see it happening to 20 something year olds but even 30’s can give you that mid-life feeling, especially if you take on a mature, grown up stance earlier on in life.

I for one, had a baby at 21 and was married at 24. I had a few wild years from 18-20 but that was short lived, as being a mother was my first priority. I had to work a full-time job and raise my son “along” with his father. My friends were out partying, going to the beach and having a carefree life but my choice was made & I had to grow up quite quickly.

I don’t believe I’ve ever had a mid-life crisis, I guess not everyone does. But as I read about what happens and what people face during this crisis I believe it played a role in my partner’s phase last year. I’m not saying it was all about a mid-life crisis, not at all, there were plenty of factors but I do believe it played a shady little part in it all.

My partner was 35. She grew up in a very small town until she was 21. She was the kid who stayed home to be with mom so she wasn’t lonely instead of going out & having fun with her friends. She didn’t dabble in drugs, alcohol or sex. She met a girl online, it grew into a relationship so she packed up her duffle bag (she is a lesbian, remember?) and moved to the big city 5 hours away. Got a state job and her own apartment. She was 22.

I met her when she was 24. Still so young and naive. By this time she had been through a few girlfriends, all of which cheated on her (ironic, eh?) She met me, we fell head over heels and by the age of 25 (not even) she was in a committed relationship with a straight girl raising her uber difficult child.

We faced many challenges with my son as he isn’t the easiest to deal with. He loathed her, or at least acted like he did. They were buds for the first 2 years but when things got more serious, we moved in together & she became an authority figure, he began to rebel. Two Taurus, one household. You do the math.

By the time she was just turning 30, she was taking on the role as step mom, raising several fur babies, buying a house and cars and working the mundane desk job to make ends meet. After we bought our house we became interested in fitness and could use the extra cash so we both got a second job at the same gym. Additionally, she decided to go back to school and did online schooling for 4 years.

At 35, I think life broke her. We were going through the same steps every day. Very few vacations, less intimate time together. Paying bills, going to jobs, fighting with an angry teen, fighting with me ABOUT the angry teen, keeping up with the rescues and their antics, going to a dead end job that caused nothing but stress. Wanting more than we had. Wanting a better life, financially & emotionally. Wanting time to take care of herself, but she never did. She took care of others, especially me. In return, I sucked it up. I basked in the attention she gave me. I had the attitude of “I could do nothing wrong”. I paid more attention to technology than I did her. We didn’t communicate, she didn’t know how to talk, I didn’t know how to listen. Bad combo.

That’s when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. She never expressed what she was feeling, I don’t think she even knew how to. The way she describes it, she was truly depressed but never thought that could happen to her so she just figured life became dull & she fell out of love. She didn’t care to work on things because in her mind, how she felt couldn’t just change. It was feelings, they don’t just change like that. Granted, isn’t that what just happened?

She moved out, she had bought a truck about 5 months prior to her move. When she moved out, she bought another truck, twice her payment. I knew she couldn’t afford it but for once, in 11 years, she didn’t have to “ask” my permission, she was going to get what she wanted and so she did. She left me, bought a truck, racked up bills shopping, and found herself interested in someone younger. Mid-life crisis? Sure sounds much like one. But not an excuse.

She needed validation in life. I wasn’t giving it to her. She had been tossed into this adult world, yes by choice, but without realizing what it truly entailed, do any of us?? I think it finally drug her down where she second guessed if this was what her life was meant to be. She spent most of her “free” spirit days as a step mom, partner, student, employer and provider, all at the age of 24. Not an easy task. I look at my sisters (23 & 26) and can’t imagine them in this kind of life dynamic. They’re living the high life, free to run, party, meet new people, try out different jobs/careers, date several people.

I didn’t get those years either, so I get it. I know my mind often wondered what life would have been like if I had not had a kid so young, but ya know what, I wouldn’t change it. It’s how my life was meant to play out, it made me grow up and be responsible. I’m not sure she was ready for all that. We even discussed from the beginning how she wanted kids and I was done. I had no desire to have any more children and she made the choice to go with her heart and be with me and forego that dream.

I remember at the ripe ole age of 29 I asked myself if I was happy and was this the life I wanted? Without hesitation, I answered no.I was married to a non-existent husband and father. He worked a lot and spent the rest of his time drinking or sleeping. (oh and did I mention cheating?) We had no connection, no bond, nothing.Our 11 year relationship was more on/off than a flickering lightbulb. My son was my best friend and my parents were next in line. My ex wasn’t even in the top 10. I was miserable. I was overweight, broke, unhappy and basically a single mom with a drunk roommate to clean up after. So I bailed.

I still vividly remember the day I sat down calmly, without any reservations and said “I’m not happy with my life and I don’t want to be together anymore”. He was upset as expected but not once do I recall him asking what HE could do to fix things. Instead he accused me of cheating (hello pot, I’m the kettle) and made my life ultimately miserable the first couple months we were separated. I wasn’t unsure of my decision but like any long term relationship you always have that little voice questioning if you’re doing the right thing. It didn’t take long for me to confirm that my decision was absolutely what was best for me.

It wasn’t a mid-life crisis, I didn’t do outrageous things to try to find happiness though some may say finding the love of my life 4 days later defies that. To me, that was fate. I was meant to be there and meet her and vice versa. Now that life has played out the way it has it makes me sit back and analyze why things happened the way they happened and really there is never just one answer, there are many and there are not enough.

As always, infidelity and lying is a choice. The planets don’t force you to and a mid-life crisis doesn’t make you someone you’re not BUT I do believe we have to look at many different facts to truly get a better understanding of how our lives play out the way they do. She’s not an asshole, she’s not a cheater. She’s one of the most caring, sweetest, loving people I know and that’s why I continue to look for reasoning, because I know this isn’t who she is and she does deserve full, true forgiveness and that is my goal.

Let’s hope I don’t hit a mid-life crisis on my way to find it.

Can I just blame astrology??

I’ve always been into astrology, not saying I truly understood it and it was just basic stuff like my horoscope for the month or year and knowing what signs are compatible and the personalities that go with each sign.

Lately I’ve looked into it a lot more. Since I’ve been following elephant journal I’ve read a lot about how the planets and moon affect us daily and we just don’t realize it. It’s strange to think they have that much influence on us but as I’ve been keeping up with it I sit back and try to take note of what’s going on around me and I really can see a difference in behaviors, including mine.

My latest obsession was with this Mercury Retrograde, she’s a bitch. She lasts for 3 weeks and she wreaks havoc on the the world and our lives. Mercury Retrograde affects our communication and thinking BIG time. I read that this year is the end of a 3 year nasty phase, those years were leading up to big change. Things were slowly changing, not positively and our worlds were running a muck (can say that again!) It was amazing as I read how it was saying the last three years our lives have truly taken a turn, things changed that weren’t pleasant or wanted, but they were all lessons that now created such big change that our lives and our souls are truly different (damn this shit is good).

This explains so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive and I know this stuff isn’t for everyone but damn it sure falls in line quite surprisingly with my life events. It isn’t the holy answer to it all as we all know there are no answers to some things & we also make our own choices in life. When I read about this retrograde & look at the timeline of events last year it really can fill in some gaps.

During the retrograde, your love relationships may go haywire with miscommunications and crazy turnabouts. The retrograde period is a time to be careful about the way you conduct yourself in all your romantic contacts to avoid a variety of problems that tend to occur over these three weeks. 

You can say that again!

It affects our mind, communication style, memory and self expression. We don’t express ourselves well where we can be understood and the receiving party can easily misinterpret what is being said. I relate this to when my partner didn’t know what to say in regards to her feelings for me other than “I just don’t have those in love feelings”… when asked to explain more, she couldn’t. She didn’t understand what she was feeling and therefore she couldn’t express herself in a way I could better understand. She couldn’t find wording like “I’m holding resentment from the past” or “Your behavior makes me feel unimportant”… these things came out later AFTER decisions were made (and after the retrograde) which would have helped us both understand better but at that time she couldn’t figure her thoughts and feelings out. The retrograde states:

“…normal communications, even with those we have a love relationship with, become unreliable and filled with misinformation where important data is missing or misunderstood. The passage of information between two people seems to be unintentionally cloudy or confused in some way.”

It also affected her thoughts and feelings about life and other things, such as the whore. It states “One’s mental faculties are not functioning well when it comes to the way a person interacts in their social relationships, especially those concerning matters of the heart.”

Here are the do’s and don’ts during the retrograde (see article for more explanation)

Do’s

1. Do reassert your vows
2. Do show compassion and forgiveness
3. Do take time to sit down and resolve your differences.
4. Do revisit the old haunt
5. Do call that old flame

Don’ts

1. Don’t get married
2. Don’t break up
3. Don’t change the nature of your current relationship
4. Don’t go out on a first date
5. Don’t engage in any relationship with anyone who sounds dishonest or appears deceptive.

Phew… Those don’ts really hit home. The Mercury retrograde took full effect last year during the breakdown of my relationship. 

The retrograde phase is famous for revealing the consequences of inattention to detail, wrong assumptions as well as errors in communication and transportation. Many of these are often set up in the pre-shadow phase.

My partner moved out June 4th during the pre-shadow phase. All her bad decisions took place throughout June. during hte PEAK time of retrograde. She didn’t truly speak to me on a personal level during June much at all. I saw her the first time since her move on June 28th, This was the first time she told me she missed me and hugged me (meaningfully)

“Often, the Mercury Retrograde Post-Shadow can reveal the errors in communication and travel that may have occurred during the pre-shadow and retrograde phases”

Her misguided thoughts lead her to think we had nothing more to offer as a couple. She couldn’t communicate her true thoughts and feelings to me. She followed inappropriate feelings and shunned all words of advice telling her to be careful in her thinking and actions as what she was feeling was not true, it was not what she truly wanted. She would not listen to the words of our psychic that she always knew was amazing in her advice.

By early July (within the first week) she came to terms with herself and her decisions and her true feelings She wasn’t ready to run home again but she was coming out of the fog and realizing the way she was going about things wasn’t right. She began taking in words of advice, from her therapist mainly. She began to open up the doors of communication with me. She had shut me out for 3 weeks but with good advice from one of my friends and some soul searching herself she realized she would never know if feelings would return unless she spent time with me again. She knew that the whore was not what she wanted and just those couple hours on June 28th made her search a little deeper and let herself feel things more than analyze things. Her mind was controlling her heart, it was telling her things that made it shut down. Her mind lead her to someone else, not her heart. When she released a lot of hurt thru therapy her heart began to clear a path to what was truly deep down, which was true love for me.

She did 4 outta the 5 “don’ts” and that in itself was cause for destruction. She did everything the planets were telling her not to. She broke up with me (sorta), she changed the nature of our relationship, she went on a “first date” and she engaged in a new “relationship” with someone that was dishonest and deceptive, she just couldn’t see this at this time, of course. A 3rd person looking in can easily see that the whore was deceptive in her mannerisms, she hit on someone that was taken (she knew she was) and she pursued my partner in her time of confusion. That is shady and deceptive and as she looks back (and even before she returned) she opened her eyes to this and saw this tramp for who she really was. For myself it’s hard to understand how she couldn’t see that from the start but her thinking wasn’t in a normal state. Even her friend choices proved this, they weren’t friends who steered her in the “better” direction, they were instigators, that’s why she took to them. She shut out the friends that were wise and would not support her in her behavior. It was just a snowball of bad decision after bad decision.

I’d like to just say “Well shit, it’s the damn planets’ fault, phew” LOL but we all know we can’t do that but it really did make me think about things more so, especially this year. Today is the first day AFTER Mercury retrograde and I was very cautious during this phase, especially with communication and not making rash decisions. I share with her these findings so that we both are aware of our communication flaws during this phase and we can try to choose our words more wisely.

Mercury retrograde doesn’t hold all the answers but as most of us do, I look more and more into trying to better understand what she/we went through. Why it happened, how it happened and what all effected it. I don’t believe there’s much more to know and I’m truly ready to move on from searching for more answers.

Now on to the New Moon in Gemini  😉

Testing Triggers

I’ve tested a few, I still do almost daily. And I can still feel that “yuck” feeling when I try to face it.

I wanna get different opinions on what works for you. My one friend (also a BS) says she just repeats to herself “I WILL own this.” In her mind if I don’t “reclaim” whatever it is, I’m letting HER win. She’s owning a memory that should be mine. I get what she’s saying but part of me says, I don’t want the same memory, I don’t believe my partner wants to re-live some of them either. Like the restaurant for instance. The one time they went to dinner they went to a place we went often. Of course this is upsetting but I tell myself there are millions of other restaurants, we don’t need to go to that one. It wasn’t that great anyway but it was a sports bar type restaurant where we liked to watch the UFC fights, now it limits us when we want to watch them because there are not many places that show them. But do I really want to put myself there?

I believe it comes down to being mentally ready. I’ve faced a few and I get anxious at those moments which tells me I may not be mentally ready to face them so why not just avoid them until I am ready or maybe the time will never come.

The hardest part for me, is that the surroundings where the ONS took place are all around me every day because of where I work. I work in the city, the whore lives only 2 streets down from my building. The bar they went to is directly behind my building. I like to run on my lunches and I have ran often but always doing my best to avoid those locations and still thinking about it every time, damn it this is MY time. We drive into work a different way than we have for over 10 years. It’s longer and a bit out of the way but my mornings aren’t triggered as badly. But is it time to say “I got this” and just face it?? Stop living MY life differently because of something THEY did? Do I need to take back my life in a sense?

Just like the daily (multiple) trigger of zipping & unzipping my pants, there’s not ONE time I haven’t thought about it and this makes me so mad! I just want to say who cares? This is something I have to do every day, everyone in the world does it every day. When am I going to not think about it or be triggered? When am I going to stop selecting my attire that I know I can just slip on rather than zip? I want control back!!

Today is Friday, my partner and I have met up all week during lunch and walked together. It’s nice to see each other midday. We pack all week long except Fridays, I want to suggest walking to the Subway on the corner but I’m allowing my mind to second guess this idea. It’s too close to everything. When she & I walk together in the city my mind flashes to them walking together at 2am. I try to figure out how fast they walked, how warm it was out, what did they talk about, how long did it take, how close did they walk, what was my partner thinking and feeling? So last week, I tested myself and for curiosity’s sake, I ran from my building (the 400 block – also where the bar is located) to the 1800 block (where the whore’s apt is) I mapped it, it’s exactly a mile. Damn, they walked a mile in the inner city at 2am. So then my mind tries to gauge how long it took. Probably a good 20 minutes but probably more like 30 since I’m a fast walker and I also know that said whore was not in shape & probably didn’t move all that fast (well, in some ways, ugh) Was that enough time to sober up some? I know she wasn’t drunk, she admits that but she was buzzing. I know 20 minutes doesn’t do much when you’re drinking plus as the story goes, things happened pretty quickly when they got to her apt and as we all know it was literally a minute in time and it all came to a halt. My partner says she sat there for about an hour. I asked why would you sit there if things were uncomfortable and she says because she couldn’t drive, she still was feeling off and wanted to make sure she was “ok” before heading back to her truck. So that tells me that she wasn’t “sobered up” by the time they got there. Not that any of this matters…. so why do I play it out? I don’t know but I do.

These triggers just limit us, they’re controlling our lives. No, WE’RE letting them control our lives. We let them control how we feel. I want to be strong enough to not let myself get in that place when I’m triggered. I want to just be able to walk places & see things and just think about THAT moment, not the past. It’s hard, but it’s a work in progress that takes time.

Anyway, has anyone faced their triggers? Was it successful? Do you feel its something that just doesn’t need to be faced, it can be when the time is right. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thanks and Happy Friday! 🙂

Let your light shine