Well Hello Morning Meltdown

Ugh, what a way to start the day. Honestly though, I needed it. I had held it in all day yesterday convincing myself I would be okay this month (yes it’s that time, almost) and I would not have my usual meltdown.

Wrong.

Here’s what’s hard in our situation. We have very limited time together. We go to our FT jobs, drive home together, get ready and go to our PT jobs (together) and return home around 8:30ish. By that time, we’re famished, we cook, clean up & about then it’s after 9 so we do a few things and get ready for bed. This is a Monday-Thursday routine, and it sucks. But unfortunately we need the part time jobs financially. Sundays she dedicates to schoolwork and some in between, so as you see, there is very little US time. We hate it.

Yesterday was an interrogation day. I have ongoing emails from 2 weeks ago with pending questions that I’ve been waiting for responses on. I reminded her yesterday about them, as I know last week she didn’t have much time. So throughout the day, best she could, she answered my emails. Well, you all know how our minds work, with every response I came up with more questions. So now we have about 3 ongoing emails with pending questions that she couldn’t get to yesterday. Last night was a busy night (and not a good one, just quiet and she felt ill) so nothing was talked about. We went to bed on a blah note which in turn left me feeling restless and blah this morning.

When I woke I started explaining how her lack of compassion face to face on bad days is really not doing me any good. She can say all kinds of sweet, remorseful things in an email but times when I need to hear them the most, she shuts down, pulls away, gets quiet. As I’m trying to explain what I need from her, the waterfall begins and I find myself sobbing through my words of telling her how much I hate this & how I’m so tired of feeling this way.

The release was good, I needed it but now I’m even more exhausted. And as I sit here in my drab cubicle for another 7.5 hours stewing, I wait. I wait for her responses. Is she going to get to them? Is this going to go on all day? I just want to get through them and be done with them! They’ve been dragging on for almost 3 weeks and I just want answers so I can try to move forward a little more. I know talking it out is a good thing, but seems we don’t have the time on “bad” days and don’t want to ruin “good” days with talking about it so it gets ignored until the next meltdown occurs.

Please tell me these end some day….soon. I’m just so sick of it. Sick of it all.

Would it have made a difference?

My partner put in an email today “She’s a horrible, piece of crap that I wish I never, ever, ever, ever met.” Yes this is a true statement, she is a horrible piece of crap. Granted, what does that say about my partner?? She was the one attracted to THAT.

I get mad all the time & say if she didn’t work in that god forsaken, cheater central place and met this flirty, trashy, whore then this wouldn’t have happened.

Or would it have?

Here’s my thoughts, if her reasoning for why she acted the way she did those few months is true, then some other girl would have been the trashy whore. Someone she found “attractive” that flirted with her would have been the next OW. BUT if her reasoning is NOT true on how this all came about then maybe that statement is true.

She says it was all about HER not the whore, not me. She was selfish. In a dark place, didn’t care about anything or anyone. She didn’t know which way was up and she hated so many aspects of her life. She was in need of validity no matter who it came from, obviously since this whore knew nothing about her. If this is truly how she felt and it wasn’t about not being in love with me, or wanting to be with this whore then I do believe it could have still happened and probably would have if she never spoke up.

The whore played a part unfortunately. Without her in the picture I do not know where this would have gone. I still believe she was at least 50% of the reason my partner left. She wanted “space”, yes we know, space to figure your feelings out for someone else. If this whore wasn’t in the picture, would she have stayed? I don’t know, my heart wants to say no she wouldn’t have stayed bc it wasn’t all about this whore but my head and the facts make me think otherwise. She wanted an escape, something different, something new that made her feel happy. She wanted time away from me. She got all that and then some.

So do I believe this wouldn’t have happened if she never met the whore? I think it’s a very good possibility, if there was someone with morals (or lack thereof) like the whore’s then they could have been the OW. Most people aren’t as immoral as she so maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I will never know because all I do know, is that it did happen. She DID meet her, she DID allow her in, she DID get sucked into the attention, she DID find her attractive and she let this happen.

Save your pennies, wishing is useless 😦

Missing you

Why is now so different? Because we know what we could lose? Because we’ve learned lessons? Because we’re more insecure? Because we feel we need to make up for lost time? Do we truly miss each other when we’re not together?

All the above.

We never, for years told each other we missed each other on a daily basis, if ever. We’d go to work like every other working adult and that was that. Now, we instantly (more her than me) say we’re going to miss each other & text as soon as we get to work. She tells me she already misses me the night before even. She calls me to tell me she misses me. What is it? Fear? Truly knowing you love someone? Insecurity?

I think it’s a mix of all. Often times I DO miss her, we’re closer now, time sitting at work allows me to stew & overthink and I HATE that. When we’re together, I’m usually happy (as happy as can be) and not thinking AS much about the shit we’re going through. But 8 hours, at a desk, with access to internet & my mind are just destructive. So then I tend to miss her bc I’d rather not feel this way YET I don’t miss her bc I start stewing and getting angry about everything.

We do miss a lot though. We miss our old happy selves. We miss the security we had. We miss the trust. We miss the true love I felt for her. We miss days of not being triggered. We miss not having to worry about what might set me off. We miss the comfort of our own home town. We miss listening to music w/o having my heart ripped out. We miss feeling secure about ourselves.

But… We don’t miss the distance between us that we didn’t realize was there. We don’t miss the overuse of technology when together. We don’t miss having to beg for attention. We don’t miss us spending Sundays and evenings just going thru the motions. We don’t miss not cuddling. We don’t miss the lack of communication. I don’t miss her not making time for me. I don’t miss that I would rather be on the internet than spend time with her. I don’t miss her job and schoolwork coming before me. I don’t miss her being anal about the house rather than just letting things be. She doesn’t miss me not listening to her. She doesn’t miss the cold, unloving kisses at bedtime. She doesn’t miss the morning routines. She doesn’t miss feeling like I’m embarrassed to show affection in public. We don’t miss feeling so insecure about our bodies that we hid them. I don’t miss the lack of spontaneity in the bedroom. We don’t miss not telling each other how much we appreciate them or find one another attractive.

So there’s much to miss and much not to miss. In the end, I love that she misses me when she’s not with me. It means she’s thinking of me. Her heart is feeling love for me. I know her heart felt nothing for anyone else. Her head was not where it should be, her ego needed stroked and in the end she realized those don’t matter, it’s what your heart feels that matters. And though relationships are tough and the heart may not always feel warm & fuzzy, deep down you have to know that you love the person you’re with. Your heart doesn’t just stop loving someone, get to the root of the issues. If there was once love, there most likely still is.

I can’t wait until the day I do NOT miss feeling like this is how my life is going to feel forever.

Happy Times

Such an ironic statement when faced with infidelity. But there are happy times. Maybe not as many as before and maybe not as intense but they are there.

When I found out about my partner’s infidelity every day just seemed like hell where I couldn’t see any happiness. So we came up with this ritual we have done for nearly 6 months now.

I have a heart shaped glass container with an opening. We have 2 different colored papers, pink for me and orange for her. When something is done or said that is a happy moment we jot it down, fold it up and put it in the heart container.

Every Sunday night before bed we lay in bed and read these happy times aloud. She reads the ones I wrote and I read hers. It allows us both,  especially me to see how many happy moments we truly have. Some make us laugh and sometimes we cry but it’s a truly bonding time for us, and those are the moments we need to focus on most.

They can be big moments like a date night or simple as telling me I’m pretty. It can be a passionate kiss, a new sex adventure, a random text, a meaningful talk or just a simple call during your day to say hi.

We have over 200 of them! Our next task is creating our board of happy times. We purchased a large corkboard with pushpins. We’re going to pin them all and on days that aren’t so happy we can be reminded of how far we’ve come. It also is a great tool for down the road when life may become mundane or routine again. We can refer back to our board and remember the small things that meant so much and made a difference in our relationship.

We truly look forward to Sunday nights which were always hard for me but now it too is a Happy Time♡

This is only HALF of them 🙂

FB

picking up the pieces after affair

A few of us have created fake fb pages, initally it was to keep an eye on the whores but we are using it now for us to chat with each other.  If anyone else is interested in joining us let me know and I will tell you how to find us.

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Tough Bitch Songs

One of my therapy’s thru all this shit was to run. Just run until I couldn’t run anymore. I had a “fuck it” playlist… yes that’s what it was named on my ipod. I had a good list but here are my top 3 (so pop but damn they fit to how I felt) **Feel free to share your “tough bitch” songs 🙂 ENJOY!!

 

 

Choices

Piggy backing Life. Post. Affair.’s blog….

Happy hump day betrayeds ♥

Oh the irony

This quote was pinned by my partner just a few years ago. Thinking she might not feel this way anymore, strange how our opinions & judgement change so much when we realize we aren’t perfect.

 

Taking Control

It’s all about control. We didn’t have control over these situations. But they are now controlling us.

The last few days, on and off, I have ruminated & obsessed. I have brought the OW into MY life by my own invitaion. She has been out of MP’s life since July 2014 so why do I keep inviting her back?

I find that alone time is often my enemy. Days off I tend to investigate. For what? I’m not sure, I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted every option to retrieve old text messages & FB messages. I’ve come up empty handed & though that frustrates the hell out of me I think it’s good. I needed to dig until I couldn’t dig anymore but coming up empty handed has probably saved me from taking many steps back. We will NEVER know what was said & felt during the affairs, NEVER. It’s all about control with me. I want to control SOMETHING in regards to her affair but the fact is, I can’t. I couldn’t control her, her actions, her thoughts, nothing. Now all I can control is ME. Emotions are very hard to control at times but I don’t need to “encourage” them by obsessing & ruminating about the past.

If I look back 6, 4 even 2 months ago I see how different I am and how much I really have progressed. There are many things that aren’t there as much anymore, some that are still there but not as harsh & of course some that are just as potent but I know in time they too will subside.

My life with her, 11 years, is worth the fight. I cannot allow 2 months and one awful decision to determine our happiness. It wasn’t malicious, it wasn’t intentional (in some aspects) and she’s not that person she became. I look at her now & she’s the woman I feel in love with many years ago, the one who made me her world. This is a great feeling but we will be very cautious with how we let it progress and mold our future.  I look forward to the day I look at her with nothing but adoration♥ I know it’ll happen, as long as I let it.

Lessons have been learned, by both of us. Neither of us were awful people in our relationship, we just didn’t know how to deal with life & the obstacles together.

I ask myself every day, how would I feel right now if she had not figured her shit out & came home? Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be. Sadly I became ill due to lack of nutrients and though I probably would have adjusted & learned to live on my own, my heart is very glad we’re together. It has a lot of healing to do yet but I’m glad it gets to heal with her by my side.

The Hardest Part

Sure this is different for all of us and very hard to narrow down. I try to think about what is the hardest part of all of this.

I see many talk about the lies, deceit, sneakiness. There wasn’t a lot of this since she had removed herself from our household before too much took place Sneaky? Yes, when she was stalking her FB page for months. Which led me to the lies when she said there was no interest in anyone before she left. That wasn’t true when you stalk someone for this long to the point you’re obsessing over seeing their profile several times a day.

Some say it was the emotional attachment. I don’t have that to deal with much either. She wasn’t emotionally attached to this girl. She didn’t share personal stuff or get close. She didn’t have feelings beyond “like” and “attention”. Thankfully it was all superficial, nothing deep.

Attraction – this could be my “hardest”. Yes I get that we ALL have attractions to other people. It’s human nature. But to pursue an attraction to the point you leave behind your 11 year relationship kills me. What was so special about her? She barely knew anything about her so it was basically an attraction though she repeatedly says it wasn’t a physical attraction. It was all mental, the attention. But there wasn’t much attention, that I know of, while she was stalking her FB page. To stalk one like that, there has to be in intrigue, a physical attraction. There wasn’t anything about her personality or lifestyle that was attractive though MP says she didn’t know much about her lifestyle at first. How can that be when she could see her FB page? There has to be some inkling to what kind of lifestyle this person lives. I just don’t get it. So it hurts my heart to know that MP found this whore attractive enough to throw away our 11 year relationship.

Sex – Is the sex part hard? Yes of course, I can’t say there are too many betrayeds that would say this part is easy. MP didn’t have sex, but she took actions that led up to the possibility of sex. Did she kiss her? No, the whore came on to her. If there was full blown sex that took place I think this would be the hardest for me but since it was a one minute “fuck up” that led to nothing more than 2 quick kisses and a hand down the pants, it’s not as extreme. THOUGH the hardest part of all this is that the girl kissed MP twice and MP said she didn’t kiss back, they were really fast & they freaked her out but MP took the initiative to put her hand down the whore’s pants. If she was nervous and freaked out about the kisses then why take it further? She said she can’t explain it, just the lovely excuse of “I got caught up” but realized in a matter of seconds it was wrong and it was something she didn’t want to do.

So though the sexual act is hard to swallow…. the attraction is what bothers me the most. She found HER attractive. More than ME at this time. MP & our therapist says it had nothing to do with looks…. whatever. She always found me attractive and sexy but the underlying feelings & issues were blocking that attraction. She felt there was nothing left between us. The love had died, though I didn’t feel this way. So in that respect, something else became attractive, not the person necessarily, the attention, the newness and excitement of feeling special. Such a crock but I get it.

I’m rambling and I could go on & on… just wondering from my other betrayeds, what is the hardest part for your? The intimacy? The emotional bond? The deceit? Something else? Please share.