Looking For Betrayal

Once you’ve been betrayed, it seems you are always looking for it or just waiting for it to happen, even when you’re no longer with the one who betrayed you. With my ex, once she convinced me she was trustworthy I actually did stop looking & waiting. It felt good, after 2 years, to not have the constant ache in the pit of my stomach. To not have the constant urge to check her phone or FB. I was actually at peace for the most part.

Now, since D-Day #2 and we have parted ways, being with someone else hasn’t changed that fear. Even though he has given me no reason to think he would betray me, I am constantly thinking he will  & looking for signs.

If he was “saintly” in his past maybe I would wonder less, but he was not. He was a player. He had many hook-ups and short term girlfriends. Every day I wonder “why?”. From the things I’ve read (that I probably shouldn’t have) it seems the girls ended things more often than him. But not once have I read that he was unfaithful. Both of his long-term relationships ended because the women cheated.

Because I have a huge lack of trust, it’s like I’m looking to catch him. I don’t WANT it to happen but it’s like my mind is already creating it. After my stint with snooping on his tablet & finding messages to women (before me) I can’t seem to shake the urge to snoop and find out more. He knows what I did, I told him. Oddly, he cleared nothing from his tablet (not sure he knows how) and I still went back & read more that I hadn’t read even though I repeatedly say I wish I hadn’t read those things. Nothing was detrimental this time but it just seems he’s always “begging” for love.

I even went to the extent of going on his POF account (which he deleted off his phone but didn’t deactivate it, again not sure he knows how) and tried to find old messages. Why? I don’t know, I think I wanted to see the women he was interested in & what he said to them. I really need to stop this. Anything that happened before me shouldn’t matter but I have it stuck in my head of trying to figure out WHY he can’t keep a girl. I mean, I’ve witnessed a few things that maybe some women wouldn’t tolerate, but I don’t believe that cheating is one of them.

I did, since I was already on there, click the button that keeps his profile unseen. Part of me wonders why he didn’t do that but another part of me truly believes he didn’t even think about it.  I just noticed he was getting lots of “likes” and messages so I put an end to that. The day after he met me he deleted his dating sites, that says something. He even blocked women on FB that would message him. Those are signs that he’s not interested in anyone else so why can’t I just accept that? Why am I trying to create something that hasn’t happened?! Will I ever trust anyone again??

The more I think about it, with the ex, never in a MILLION years did I think she would be that kind of person. Never. No one did. So, in my mind, he was a player & had many women so he just “seems” like the kind of person who would be unfaithful. Isn’t that horrible? It’s such a label to give someone that has given you no reason to think this way. Oddly enough, he did it to me and it hurt…. real bad and that’s when I realized what I was doing.

He has insecurities as much as I do. Like I said, he’s been cheated on many times. I too, have been. Is anyone faithful anymore??? GAWD! Anywho… last weekend I got up, put on my gym clothes, fixed my hair, put in a pair of earrings, kissed him goodbye & off I went. When I returned he seemed off. I asked if everything was okay, he flat out said “who is he or she?” With much confusion I replied “What? What are talking about?” He said who is the person you’re talking to or seeing? I said I have no clue what you’re talking about, please explain.

Well, with his hot tempered Italian mindset he made it crystal clear he didn’t trust me or believe me. I repeatedly said I’m not like that, I wouldn’t do that & I am not talking to, seeing or interested in anyone. He didn’t believe me. And it hurt, like a mother fucker. I could not figure out what I had done to spark these thoughts. So I asked, he said I primped too much to go to the gym & put earrings in. I kinda giggled, not being rude, but I said “dear I’ve never gone in public without doing my hair, anyone who knows me knows that. And I just put little studs in my ears because I always feel naked when I don’t wear earrings, that’s it.” Still wasn’t enough. His mind was so set that he actually said he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be with someone who he couldn’t trust. I was floored. Had this man flipped his ever lovin’ mind?! Me cheat?? We’ve talked about this, he knows how I feel. I just couldn’t believe this. He left for 2 hours. In that time, I began to pack my things. I didn’t know what else I could do or say to convince him that he was wrong.

When he returned, he wasn’t talking to me. He started clearing off his nightstand (which was mine) so I figured he was still ending things. I was so hurt & sad yet felt that if that’s what he thought of me, then so be it, I can’t prove otherwise but I needed to say my peace. I looked him dead in the eye and calmly said “I can’t convince you that I’m not a cheater, so I’ll just say that I appreciate the time we had together, I still care for & love you but I won’t stay where I’m not wanted”. I don’t know what triggered him at that moment but he came over to me, wrapped his arms around me & through his tear filled eyes, said “I’m sorry, I get in my head & I can’t shut it down. It was wrong of me to accuse you of that, it’s just what’s always happened so I guess I’m just waiting for it to happen again”…. Boom…. I get it. We are destroying this already in our own heads for no good reason. The one good thing is, we both get it. We understand where the other is coming from. It sounds toxic, but it doesn’t matter if I was with a guy who hadn’t been destroyed by cheating, I know I would still have the demons in my head & that guy probably would not understand or tolerate my craziness.

This guy literally took me in, gave me 80% of his space for my stuff, took my 2 furbabies in though he’s not allowed to have pets and yet I go through his personal, private items behind his back. And all he does is say “I get it”… anyone else could have been like “look neurotic, controlling bitch, you gotta go!” But not him. He didn’t even get mad.

So is this toxic or are we meant for each other because life has fucked us both over so much that we just get each other? I know healing is the only way to get through betrayal but not sure you can ever truly “get over it”. Do I think that if I had taken some time to be single that maybe I would be different? No, not really. I’m never going to forget. It’s going to be very hard for me to trust anyone, so is “time” really the answer? Maybe he was brought into my life to help heal these wounds, to show me how I am behaving & how it can affect someone & a relationship. I felt first hand how it felt to be accused of something I didn’t do. I didn’t like it at all. I haven’t actually accused him of cheating, like I said, I don’t think he is, but my actions are showing that I have no trust for him. And why? Because someone else betrayed me. How is that fair to him? It isn’t.

Dear Karma (song)

I’ve always loved music. Written & sung all my life. I even have a CD as an acoustic duo with me “ex” bff. After several days of jamming to female country music, I just pumped out this song… (read and sing with your best country twang & rhythm) 🙂

 

We’re swinging our weapons, missing the mark

Battling each other until it goes dark

I want you, you need me is this just a game

Dear karma, you got the wrong name.

 

We’ve had our hearts shattered, shredded to bits

Screwed us & used us, we’ve both had the shits

You’re broken, I’m guarded we’re a crazy ass mess

Dear karma, give it a rest

 Chorus

Karma, karma please let me be

I’m not the one, so stop being so mean

Take out your anger on someone, not me.

Karma, karma you took a wrong turn

I’m not the one, with the lessons to learn

Put out your flames, this is starting to burn.

 

We’re spewing out words that shoot right to the heart

Lift you up, tear me down til we just fall apart

I’m twisted, you’re explosive we’re a bittersweet match

Dear karma, you’re a kick in the snatch.

 

You’re a beer guzzling fool, I’m a wine chugging wench

We drink til our issues are thoroughly quenched

You’re stubborn, I’m jealous we’re a mixed-up cocktail

Dear Karma, you put me through hell

Chorus

Karma, karma please let me be

I’m not the one, stop being so mean

Take out your anger on someone, not me.

Karma, karma you took a wrong turn

I’m not the one, with the lessons to learn

Put out your flame, this is starting to burn

  

**Song written by JHTaylor 1/7/2019

 

 

 

 

Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, it breaks your f*cking heart

Man, I hate when I can’t control my mind or actions. I have always been very investigative & VERY intuitive. Betrayal makes it more intense. When I don’t feel that something is “right”, I guarantee you it isn’t, it’s not just my neurotic fucked up spinning mind that is making me feel this way.

But how many times have you THOUGHT you wanted to know something only to find that once you DID find out you rather you hadn’t?? I can say this has happened often & it just happened this week.

The new beau, like I said, single for years…. and I mean YEARS. He likes his women. Not to say he’s a man whore but in my mind I would have kinda classified him as that but honestly, he’s just a single guy who likes to hook up when the chance arises & he looked for it, who wouldn’t?  I think he wanted commitment but just wasn’t finding the right one & that’s probably because he was too into (or should I say that’s what he always seemed to find) the kinky, immature, sluts. Just sayin’. They usually aren’t very committal. Duh.

When he & I first started dating, I asked the all too personal question… so how long has it been since you’ve been intimate with a woman? I will admit I asked this WAY earlier than I should have, but that’s my nature and I don’t realize it until it’s already left my lips & sometimes not even then. I’m a Sag, my mouth unfortunately says just about everything that’s in my mind. I don’t stop to think “maybe this isn’t the right time” HA! So he quickly says “Oh, it’s been about 2 years”… I said “Oh come on, really?” And he says yea. Okay… wow, so he’s not the gigolo I thought he was.

Well, curiosity always fucks with me. I get curious & I become Detective Determined to Find Shit Out. And I always do. I got on his tablet, just looking for anything, which honestly there wasn’t much on there. Any dating apps still downloaded? Nada. Any signs of chatting with other women? Nope. No emails from chicks. No IM’s from sluts. No porn downloaded. No saved nudey pics. Then… I found his Google history. Boy is that tedious to go through!! But you know I did. Needless to say, he had no clue (or reason) how to delete his history and boy was there history!!

Now, many people might grab their SO’s tablet or laptop right now & go to Google history, but wait, here’s where his fucked him… he used voice texting often so those messages were saved. No other text messages show up, but voice messaging did.

So what did I find? More than I wanted to. I found that he had been with a woman the same month he & I met up. I even knew where she lived… god Google will spill the fucking beans. I knew she wasn’t close, he drove nearly 2 hours to hook up with her. But unfortunately I read things he said to her that I prefer I never had. I could tell it didn’t last. It may have started earlier & he just didn’t use voice texting, but the first I found was Oct 2 2018 he met up with her & by Oct 13th he was sending her text saying he missed sleeping next to her. After that text, there were no more. I think she blew him off. But to say you missed laying side by side to me sounds kinda serious & definitely more than just a hook up.

Also, Sept 2017 he also was with someone. That again, is not 2 years ago.

Then there was one last text that made me sick to my stomach. It was hard enough reading text where he used the typical terms of endearments like “baby”, “honey” & “sweetie” to other women… but he had this name for me, he called me honey bunny. It was so cute, he would even send it in emojis (yes there’s a honey pot!) It always made me smile, I like pet names. Then I found it. The message in 2017 that said “Wakey wakey honey bunny” and I just lost it. It hurt, it made me sad to think it wasn’t a special pet name he gave to me, it’s one he’s used on other women. I dropped the tablet & said enough… just fucking stop before you hurt yourself anymore.

I was livid, I was shaking, I paced & cursed for hours. Then I had an utter meltdown. Here we go again, another fucking liar. No he didn’t cheat & honestly what he did BEFORE me shouldn’t & doesn’t matter, but it’s the fact that he looked me dead in the eye & lied. Why? I didn’t care that he slept with other women, hello he’s a single guy, why wouldn’t he?? But why LIE?! When I have REPEATEDLY told him that I do not tolerate lying or cheating.

I confronted him. I let him know he lost any trust I had for him, not because he shacked up… but because he lied. I called him out on the love terms & said don’t call me “honey bunny” anymore because it means nothing to me. I asked if he still “missed” this girl since he told her that just 2 weeks before we met. Of course he said no. He talks to no other women, he has had no contact with any. He deleted FB, all dating apps, I even checked his phone contacts once & there are barely any women in there. I do believe him that he isn’t talking to or interested in any other women. I asked why he lied… he said that I caught him off guard when I asked & we were just starting off and the last thing he wanted was for me to think he was a man-whore, so he just lied. He also said he didn’t think “this” was going to go as far as it did. He truly believed (and still does a little) that he is a rebound. So, he felt why put all that out there for someone who is just going to be gone anyway.

Even with his explanation I was still hurt, I was upset the rest of the night. He understood. We talked it out a lot then just kinda spent the night quietly. I didn’t cuddle close in bed like I normally do & he noticed. I asked him the next day why HE seemed mad at me. He said he is not mad at me at all, not even for getting into his personal tablet, he was mad at himself for lying to me. After I gave myself some time to think about it, I SORT OF get why he lied. I asked something personal, WAAAAAY too early. I have always been very inquisitive & one who gets deep fast. I put him on the spot. I did ask why he hadn’t told me down the road as things got more serious, he said he had thought about it but figured why go back & stir things up, plus he figured I wouldn’t find out, so no harm, no foul. I said you will find out REAL faster mister, that I find out everything. He said “I’m seeing that”. My mom always said I should have been a detective, cuz when I wanna know something, I stop at nothing to find out. I promise you dear, ask both my exes, I WILL fucking find out. So be honest or it WILL bite you in your ass one day.

All that being said, I regret doing it….very much so. Part of me was like “Ha, see you are a liar & I needed to know that”…. but I really have considered his position & I do kinda understand. BUT instead I did more damage to myself. I read the way he talked to other women & those words are now stuck in my head. I read his loving words & his sexual words and it really makes me feel a bit less “special”…. it was 3 days ago and I still find myself re-reading the text in my head. Wondering, who they were. What they looked like. What was their “relationship” like. Is he truly “over” this girl that was right before me? What if she contacts him? Maybe she has… he just hasn’t said anything. The fucking mind games. I am truly pissed that I did what I did. Now my trust for him is back to square one. I am questioning everything he tells me. My heart is sad that I am no longer his one true “honey bunny”………damn me & my fucking curiosity.

A New & Different Christmas

Well, this was my first Christmas without my partner in 15 years. It was different but not horrible in any way. I will admit that having someone new totally dampened most of the sadness. It wasn’t like the Christmases I had before, but it was still very enjoyable.

Every Christmas Eve I was the hostess with the mostest. I LOVE hosting parties & Christmas Eve was OVER THE TOP! I would have games that I put months of crafting into. I would invest a good $200 just in prizes. I had a smorgasbord of grub that could feed the neighborhood & décor that made me look like a member of the Griswald family. It was my favorite day of the year. It was for family only, maybe a friend or two but mostly just family.

This year I was no longer in my house. I moved about 2 months ago while the house is pending sale. Where I currently reside is a very small 1 bedroom apt that couldn’t host a family of maggots. So my routine of planning & buying & crafting for months, didn’t exist. And ya know, at this point in my life, I was kinda okay with that. I missed it a little but I didn’t have the mental stability nor financial stability to host. So, my youngest sister had a little gathering at her place. We had a few drinks, snacks & just chatted. It was low-key and just what I needed.

Christmas this year was with my new beau. Only been seeing each other 2 months but we have known each other since high school. It’s hard when your relationship is new and BAM the biggest holidays are here. How do you handle it? For me, I’m a holiday whore. I love shopping, decorating, baking, wrapping & gift giving. I don’t care how long I’ve known you, I will be sure to make your holiday special. Honestly, I was worried about him though. He has been single for 10 years. Has not celebrated Christmas for just as long if not longer. He lived away from family for 11 years so he really was kinda a Scrooge about it all. But I let him know that would not fly. I’m a very open, honest girl & I said that Christmas is very big to my family. This does not mean that he had to flourish me with gifts, but I did not want to wake up disappointed on Christmas, especially since it was going to be hard this year. I didn’t expect the “norm” since this is still new but no Bah-Humbugs allowed!

So I wrote a blog (you can find it here) and I sent it to him. Granted, when he read it he had NO clue I wrote it! I later did confess. He referred to it often & he said it was very helpful. And honestly, he did a wonderful job of putting a Christmas smile on my face♥

Stockings were stuffed, Christmas music hummed in the background. At one point he turned on the TV right before opening gifts & I thought “Uh, no, no TV during Christmas” but to my surprise, he got on YouTube and put a crackling fire on the screen, it was cute. My stocking had all the right things, a Wonder Woman keychain (I love her), nail polishes, chapstick, gum & other little tidbits. The gifts were perfect. My favorite is a little gold necklace with a heart-shaped key charm. When I opened it he said “You hold the key to my heart”♥ Boom, right in the feel goods.

We spent Christmas day with his family then mine. It was very enjoyable. Lots of food & laughter. He was floored at the generosity of my family, and I told him not to be overwhelmed, it’s just how we roll. They know he’s important to me so therefore he is part of the family.

Did I miss her? No, not really at all. He and I had an amazing day together, I didn’t feel sad. I felt loved & happy. I couldn’t have asked for a better “first” Christmas.

 

 

Is Anyone Loyal Anymore?

I have had a best friend for nearly 30 years. We have had our ups & downs, we’ve taken breaks (mostly my call) from each other but time & time again we end up coming back together. We are very different yet understand each other and are there for each other no matter what. I honestly find her very difficult to deal with but I accept her flaws as she accepts mine & as we got older, I figured we’d mature & handle matters in better ways.

If I’m being 100% honest, she plays the victim role a lot. Not saying she hasn’t had a shit life at times, oh yes she has, but no matter what or how things turn out it seems to always stem back to her parents or blame on someone else. Everyone is just always “attacking” her yet she pushes & pushes & pushes and when someone gives push back she does not like that & gets irrational.

She is a great listener & has been there for me MANY times, as I have for her. But if you EVER disagree with her or tell her that she has “offended” you in some way, be prepared for the over-the-top rant & belligerent bellowing that will come from the other end of the phone. She has so many times complained about her mother, or others hanging up on her & let’s be honest, I FUCKING GET IT! I think I’ve done it once. You cannot get her to listen or stay calm. It’s all about defending herself rather than her actually listening & taking to heart how SHE hurt you. Instead it’s how YOU took it the wrong way.

She wants SO desperately to be liked by so many that the thing is, I think so many don’t care for her because of her pushy ways. Don’t get me wrong, she has a kind heart & I think just wants acceptance but there comes a time when you have to realize not EVERYONE is going to like you . . .  and that’s okay!! She would rather have FB “friends” like her than worry about how she hurts those closest to her.

30 years, we’ve been through A LOT. She has been through all my relationships & birth of my son. I have been there for her through her hard family times & her physical issues. My ex-partner never gave her the time of day unless I made plans to hang out with her. She never text or talked to her. Never reached out to see how she was doing. The actual reason I met my ex was because my BFF didn’t like her & she wanted me to start shit with her, ironic, eh?

When my ex pulled the shit she did, my BFF was there for me. She listened every day, she advised, she’d sit on the phone for hours just so I didn’t feel alone & I appreciate all that more than anything. Then one day she tells me that my ex text her & wanted her to call her. I was like “uh why?” And my BFF likes to be the peacemaker, the one that everyone likes & goes to even when they are treating others like dog shit. So, as expected she talked to her & was all nicey-nice. I told my BFF this was a crock of shit & she was just being manipulative & using my bestie to get to me. After much talk about this, it seemed my bestie agreed & thought her antics were shitty.

As expected, my ex unfriended me on FB, not like I did anything to her but it was just a gesture to make it clear that we were done. It hurt, but I wasn’t surprised. I text my family & BFF and told everyone that we were no longer FB friends & that it was their choice to unfriend her (though I expected no less) but please don’t tell me anything regarding her posts if they choose to stay friends. Well, of course every family member was like “fuck that, fuck her & why would we want to be friends with her after what she did to you” and they all unfriended her… except my bestie. It hurt & in a roundabout way I let her know that I didn’t really understand why she felt she needed to remain FB friends with her. She saw it as “no big deal”. But I know she just wanted to be nosy about her life & also not cause any waves, as she said “she didn’t do anything to me”… really? Wow.

I realized at this point her loyalty was less than adequate of a best friend. I tried not to let it get to me so I just said “whatever” and moved on, as best I could. Then one day a friend sent a screenshot of my ex’s profile picture update of her & her new gf to my mom & sister. Not because she changed her pic, knew that was coming but because it showed that my bestie “liked” the picture. Are you fucking kidding me? I know, FB is just a drama filled, non-sense, media site but let’s admit, we’ve all been affected by something on fb at one time or another & this was huge. She figured my family couldn’t see it, but how wrong she was.

My mother was so mad she called my sister & flipped out. Said she was done with “XX” because this was utter betrayal as a best friend. My sister agreed & even decided to address this matter with my bestie. After she talked to her, she called me. Said she thought it over a few days but felt I should know. My “bestie” not only lied by saying she must have “accidentally liked it when she was falling asleep while scrolling” which is utter fucking BULLSHIT! She then told my sister that my family needed to mind their own business and not be so concerned with what she is doing on FB. That was it. I was so fucking livid that she not only saw no issue in supporting my ex’s new relationship but she disrespected my family who has been there & supported her FOR YEARS! When her own family turned her away, my family opened their hearts & treated her as their own.

I have not spoken to her since the incident. I didn’t even discuss it because I can’t stand to have discussions with her & I will flip hearing her lies & excuses. I just needed to be done. If you cannot be loyal to the one person who has been loyal to your ass for 30 years, then fuck you, I don’t need those kinds of “friends” in my life. #sooverdisloyalty

Taking New Relationship Challenges to a Whole New Level

I have been in relationships all my life. At 18, I fell in love with my ex-husband. We were young & naïve, but who isn’t the first time around? I spent 11 years with him & he is the father of my only child. At the age of 29, I realized I wasn’t happy & he wasn’t ever going to change. He loved his booze more than his family. There was no deep connection & his paternal skills were less than adequate. Right before my 29th birthday, I told him I wasn’t happy & I needed more out of life. So I left.

4 days, yes days, I met a woman. Much to my surprise, we connected & had an amazing attraction. I was scared & confused. My best friend was gay so I had been around the gay community for many years but never had any interest. I even recall saying to her “I don’t know how you do it, I can’t imagine being with a woman”. How wrong I was. She & I fell head over heels, it was this amazing love that I had never experienced. She was overly giving & affectionate. She knew how to show me she loved me every day. It truly was being in love with your best friend. We could talk about anything, though deep conversations weren’t really her thing. She knew how to win your heart & win it fast. We ended up engaged, bought a house & raised my son & our furbabies for 15 years. Other than typical “mundane” shit that relationships go through, we (or at least I thought) were very happy & content. We were meant to be, no matter what. A psychic once told us we were “Twin Flames”, after reading up on the dynamics of Twin Flames, I can see how we fit this mold & sadly it is not always a good thing.

11 years in, she felt she wasn’t happy & told me she didn’t know what she wanted so she needed a break to figure things out. This is where the first incident of infidelity happened as she wasn’t being 100% honest by not telling me that she was interested & “seeing” someone else during this so called “break”. After 3 long, grueling months she came back. Life was good, actually it was fucking amazing. The bond & love between us grew every day. Sure the first year was rough, we had to re-build trust but with much effort, it happened & we were engaged again & planning our wedding. Then it happened again, just last September she felt she was “unhappy” again. Not that she told me this, of course not! Instead, I had to find her flirting with another girl from her work via FB. When I called her out on it, it was her escape. She AGAIN said she wasn’t happy & was sure this time & that was that. 4 months later, our house is pending sale, neither of us live there at the moment & we both are in new relationships. How quickly your life can totally change in a blink of an eye…. or bat of an eyelash.

Now, just like any new relationship, there is so much to adjust to, right? Not only learning about this person but also the baggage you carry from all the other relationships you had. For me, the hardest part is being with a man again. Some say “just like riding a bike, right?” Well, not really. It has been nearly 16 years since I was with a man. And when I was with my partner, I felt I could NEVER be with a man again, though then I didn’t think it would ever be an option. I was content with being with a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I did physically miss (and prefer) the aspect of men, but I loved her and was committed to her. End of story.

The challenges of going from same-sex to hetero relationships is unreal. Not in a physical sense, honestly I’m happier in that respect & shall I toot my own horn and say I’m quite seasoned & spunky in this area. But from going from someone who is so gentle, soft, dedicated, loving, expressive, thoughtful, caring …. She truly treated me like a princess. I was her everything. I know that may not seem healthy but that’s how she was. She was always putting me first & thinking of me. From leaving flowers on my car, to writing love notes daily in my lunch box. Sending me text throughout the day to remind me of her love or even to just check in to see how my day was. I’d sneeze & she’d be off to the store stocking up on healing agents. I’d have a hole in a sock & the next day I would have a new pack of booties waiting. Like it was the over the top.

Men express love differently or at least the guy I am seeing. Here’s the clincher with him (talk about double fucking whammy challenges) He was with a woman for 5 years on & off in his early 20’s, again it was young, naïve, drama-filled “love”. Not until 10 years later he dated a girl for about 8 months, said it was on & off, didn’t live together and said it wasn’t all that connected because she liked to have her space. Then 10 years later…. comes me. A broken divorcee (twice) who has ONLY ever been in relationships & has high standards & expectations (a downfall on my part, I know) He has NO clue what he’s gotten into.

Much to some’s disagreement, I ended up moving in with him rather quickly. Reason being, besides that we truly love spending time together, is that I could not live in that house with her anymore & watch her blatantly date her new gf right before my eyes. Not only did I have to hear phone conversations between them, see little love notes & cards from her new gf, but she even allowed this girl to drop her off at MY fucking house. I couldn’t do it, I had to get out. I was mentally & physically sick about it and getting absolutely no rest or peace of mind. He offered his place. He said it was totally a temporary fix until my house sold & I had enough money to live on my own. As nervous & crazy as this sounded, I did it.

He said he knew what he was getting himself into when he decided he wanted to be with me. He knew I was a train wreck & he was willing to be there & help me through it. So far, it’s been rocky. Not saying it’s not fun, oh it is & we truly have amazing times together but I also have HUGE issues and I’m learning he does too. This is all new to both of us. He’s never had to think about someone else first, but he literally gutted both his dressers & 80% of his closet so that I could get my clothes in. He made his apt look less like a “man-cave” though I told him it was fine as is. He said he just wants me to be comfortable while I am there. Needless to say, 2 months later and he doesn’t want me to leave. I don’t think I do either but I do have hesitations. Luckily I have time, my house should sell by end of January at which time I can decide what is best for me.

Now he’s gone from being this “independent single super long” guy to I’ve just moved in an emotionally unstable used to be gay divorcee. Good times I tell ya, good times.

Just like anyone who has gotten into a new relationship, you expect things to be a certain way. For me, I had most everything I wanted in my last relationship so now I have extremely high expectations, but I can’t & that’s hard. He is who he is, which is a guy who has no idea how to be in a relationship. He’s used to his alone time, his get up & go hang with a buddy without having to “check-in” with anyone else time, his I’m going to drink 5-6 beers, turn on Gold Rush & pass out time. Then there’s me, who’s used to structure. I’m the girl who comes home & gets ready to go to the gym, no time to sit and relax, let’s workout! Then we fix a healthy meal that we eat together & talk about our days & goals. We clean up, choose a show we both are interested in to watch or have a nice, heartfelt talk because that’s what I like to do. We snuggle which hopefully leads to a little funky time, then we brush our teeth, kiss each other goodnight, cuddle some more & boom off into happy slumber land. NOT SO MUCH… but we’re working on it.

Not only do my insecurities cause issues & create unreasonable expectations, but the person she was makes it even HARDER. In my head, I think he should be the way she was & I seem to not be able to settle for anything less. This is truly unreasonable. But the ongoing thoughts & questions go through my head over & over…..Is he ever going to be good enough? Why am I not getting text from him throughout the day? Why didn’t he tell me he stopped off somewhere on his way home? Why is he sitting beside me on the couch without holding my hand? Why’s he on his phone, what’s he checking, who’s he talking to, is he bored with me? Why did he look at that girl, is he interested in her? He kissed me when he got up but didn’t say “good morning”… damn him, does he NOT know the rules?? OMG it is so mind-fucking me every… damn… day. I had SUCH a routine life for 15 fucking years, how do I break the cycle?!?! How do I accept & adapt to this completely different life? I feel needy, insecure, obsessive. My god, I’m a strong, beautiful, loving 45 year old woman, why am I acting this way?!

Yet, he has changed so much that I am not seeing or should I say acknowledging. Like I said, he literally uprooted his apt so that I could be comfortable. He even moved in my entire bed set because his bed was uncomfortable for me so we switched. He does the laundry & is already trained on not putting certain items in the dryer & if he’s not sure he checks. It’s cute when he puts my panties across the radiators so that they dry faster & he checks them often to see if they’re dry. He allowed me to get out my holiday decorations & spice up his little 700 SQ man cave. He not only openly allowed me to bring my 2 cats but he interacts with them & even takes care of them at times. He has cut back on drinking as much beer as he knows I don’t care for it. He makes sure to text me in the morning if there is frost on my car so that I know I have to leave a little earlier. He takes turns cooking & he’s an amazing cook! He didn’t gripe when the bathroom shelf fell because my over abundance of hair products became too much for his little shelf. He has put his routine of going to bed by 9pm aside & instead will sit up until I am ready for bed no matter how tired he is. Then, get this, he totally is supportive of me hanging with my sisters or friends, like doesn’t question it or get jealous. Sheesh… so where does MY neurotic mind go? Oh he just needs space from me, maybe he is sick of me or maybe he’s talking to someone else & he can have the time to do that. UGH WTF WOMAN!! My ex-husband was super possessive, I barely did anything with friends & when I did it was constant interrogation & accusations though I was the faithful one and that drove me nuts! Granted I wanted to get away from him so that made it worse but I hated being under his “control” or at least feeling like I had to ask permission & “follow the rules” if I ever got the chance to go out. Also, keep in mind, my ex partner & I RARELY did anything apart. We did everything together. I may have ONCE in a blue moon gone to dinner with a friend but very, very rarely. So again, I am used to that always doing things together kind of relationship. And I know this isn’t healthy but when I think about guys hanging out I think of my ex, he went to strip clubs, got lap dances & blow jobs, hooked up with girls at the bar, got intoxicated & I would have to pick him up or get him after her got into a fight. So all these things are implanted in my pee brain.

I don’t want to fuck this up but feel like I am going to. A man who has been single most of his life obviously has no problem being single. Does it scare me he hasn’t had a real commitment for nearly 20 years? Abso-fucking-lutely. But as he tells me, it’s because he’s never found “the one” he wanted to spend his life with…. until now. So, why can’t I just chill the fuck out & let go of my insecurities & expectations. It’s not fair to him. He can’t be exactly who I want him to be. In his mind, I’m sure he thinks I want him to be just like my ex… do I? In some ways yes but I have to realize he is who he is, he is not her. I have to focus on the positive attributes he brings to my life instead of what I’m no longer getting that I’m used to. I need to love him & accept him as he is & stop trying to change him & mold him into the person I think he should be.

The monster she created…

I know we are all responsible for our own actions, yes I get that. If you’ve never been betrayed by the one you love AND trusted more than anything, then don’t judge or Dr. Phil me. Betrayal can create an ugly fucking 3 headed monster within you that no matter how much you battle & try to slay him, you just don’t win.

Her betrayal has created this raging, jealous, over-analyzing, insecure demon and I hate that side of me.

I’m seeing a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks, things have progressed fast. And within the supposed honeymoon phase of the relationship, there have been 2 instances where I have blatantly accused him of checking out other girls. The last one was last weekend & it got ugly. We went to Dave & Buster’s with my son, his gf, my sister & her bf. The place was packed, people everywhere. Being who I am which is an insecure, very intuitive & observant woman, I watched his every move. He was by my side the whole time but the eyes… the wandering eyes. I am always looking around for good looking women & then watching to see if he notices them too. It’s like a fucking game I don’t want to be a participant in but I have to be. And well, I saw he did notice 2 of them or at least that’s what my brain told me.

It’s always the thin, long haired, usually blondes that catch my eye (and theirs) The first was a super skinny girl dressed like a super model in her skin tight pink high-waisted jeans & her tight shirt. I caught a glimpse of her when we walked in & a glimpse of him doing a quick “check out”. I tried to ignore it & just have fun. Sadly it only fueled my raging jealous mind to constantly watch him & track his every eye movement.

While playing air hockey, there was yet another younger girl, with long dirty blonde hair in tight jeans & a tacky Christmas sweater. I again, noticed his wandering eye looking her direction more than I would like. I could feel the sickness & rage building in my gut. I felt not good enough. I’m not tall, young & blonde. Don’t get me wrong, even at my ripe old age of 44, I can turn some heads. I’m not ugly, I have a unique style. I’ve always had creative, sassy haircuts with a vibrant touch of red. As icky as it sounds, my kid was constantly told by his friends that his mom was a MILF (if you don’t know what that is, google it) and though it’s “wrong” to be told that (as my son hated it) it was still flattering & made me feel good. If boys in their mid 20’s thought I was was hot then I can’t be all that bad!

Here’s where HIS background makes me even more insecure. He used to be a bouncer in a strip club. Yes, many, many years ago but he ended up dating & becoming engaged to a stripper. I personally find that a bit icky, can’t say the strippers around here are very classy nor clean. Many are strung out on drugs (which she was) and are hoochies. Not saying all are, but the ones around here they were. And even though that was 20 years ago I feel that’s the “type” of look he likes or wants. And that is NOT me. I am not going to where 6″ come-fuck-me heels with my tatas pushed up & popping out for attention. I have my own style of sexy but it’s classy. Plus we’re adults, we’re not 20 anymore, you have to grow up & be and feel sexy in your own way and I have never wanted to have the image of a stripper, I have too much respect for myself.

So when I see these girls I think that’s what he wants & when I see him look at them it just makes me think I’m “too normal” for him. He’s so used to lying, cheating, slutty women that I wonder if that’s just what he likes?? Maybe he likes the challenge, maybe he finds sluts attractive. If so, does he have enough common sense to think they’re attractive but know that’s not what he wants? It’s like a guy who’s built like a brick shit house, tatted, tight jeans, tight white tee, tan, smoking ass. but cocky AF…okay, I get it, easy on the eyes but I can smell a cocky asshole miles away & that is the type of guy I would have no interest in. But I’m also a commitment type of girl, I don’t do one-night-stands. If I was that type of girl then okay, he’d be a good find. I think he’s so used to one-night-stands (he’s been single for 10 years) that maybe his mind still scopes them out? If so, then he & his “scope” can move on. 

Anywho… I continue to do my best to enjoy the night, engage in fun with our company & him. Right as we are deciding to head out, pretty in pink pants girl comes within sight again & I again catch him glancing at her. I… LOSE… MY… SHIT. I give him the nastiest look & say “let’s go”. He says “what’s wrong?” I grab the stomach area of his sweatshirt & say “let’s go, now!” and I storm out the front as he’s following behind me saying “What is the matter?” When we get outside where there is no one around, I go off. I raised my voice & told him I was well aware of Miss Pink Pants & Miss My Christmas Sweater is Too Tight. And said I will not tolerate being disrespected right in front of my face.

Well, being a full blooded Italian, I set off the temper. He flipped out on me, told me he couldn’t handle my accusations & he wasn’t going to be accused of shit he didn’t do. The thing that kept going through my head as he was over-the-top reacting was my mama saying “I know you’re lying when you over react” She was right, when we got caught we’d flip out trying to justify & work our way out of it. That’s exactly what I felt he was doing. He knew he was busted. He asked for his house keys & then he left. I had the car & the keys, he just left. When my family came out, I explained what happened. They tried to talk me through it but I believed what I saw. After 10 minutes, we decided to hit the bar. I couldn’t stop worrying about him though. I wanted to talk about it, no matter how pissed off either of us were, we needed to talk about it. I called him 4, 5, 6 times. No answer. I text him several times, nothing. I left him a voicemail, no call back. Finally when I reached the bar, he called me. He was still just as angry, telling me he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t handle being accused of these things. He asked me if I really believed he’d do that & honestly, I said yes, I saw it & I’m not dumb. I’m a very aware girl, I take notice to everything. I was standing my ground, I wanted to make it clear I was NOT going to tolerate blatant disrespect. As he continued to yell & even say I had “neurotic tendencies” I hung up on him & hit the bar. Way too hard.

I hated being there without him. I missed him, I wanted to work things out but I also was not going to just be “ok” with it or sweep it under the rug like it didn’t happen. My sister & my son talked to me a lot. They didn’t defend him but tried to explain how things are not always what they seem & people “check people out” sometimes, it’s just the human nature. I was not accepting it. The ex, even as a cheater, never did that. She never disrespected me like that.

My son, the wonderful mature man he has become, comes up to me about an hour in and says “Mom, don’t be mad at me”. Through my glassy eyes, from drinking & crying, I said “why would I be?” He says “I called him. He’s on his way.” I shot him a glare & before I could get a word out he says “Look, I love you, you are the most important person in my life & I just want to see you happy. He makes you happy, I see it. He’s a good guy & I just want you to work it out” In that moment I was so proud of the man he became. He has never “come to my rescue” or been concerned about my happiness. Honestly, he despised the ex, they never got along but he really liked my new bf and wanted to see things work out. I was too touched to be mad at him.

In all honesty, I was kinda happy he was coming. Before that moment, my plan was to go home with my sister & crash on her couch though part of me didn’t want to do that, I just felt I needed to make a point & I also didn’t want to deal with him. When he arrived I’m not even sure I knew my first name, not a proud moment but lately seems to be my vice. He grabbed me, pulled me close & said “let’s go home”. I told him no, I was staying, though my better judgment knew I needed to go. We talked a bit outside, it got a bit heated again but that’s because he stuck to his story & I stuck to mine. I am not going to be played or made out to be that I’m crazy, I saw what I saw & wanted him to just fucking admit it, but he wouldn’t.

I did end up going home with him, he basically carried me in, undressed me, kissed my forehead & put me to bed. It’s those sweet moments that make me say “cut it the fuck out & just be happy”… but I can’t. My mind just zeroes in on the negatives.

I hate being this insecure. Insecurity is unattractive, I know that. My sister & my son said “Look, so he checked out a girl or two, but he’s with you. He’s taking you home, he loves you”…. and I get that but once you’ve been betrayed, you cannot accept those things over “He’s looking at someone else when he’s with me”…. Do I know what he was thinking? Nope. Did I catch him just at the right moment that may have looked like he was looking at her but was just looking in that direction? Maybe. It’s a mind game. My mind will make the worst of it & run with it… for miles & miles on end. And continuously. It’s been 3 days since that incident, do you think I’ve stopped thinking about it? Not a chance. It’s almost like I’m going to analyze even more so I can have PROOF (ha!) that you did that….. ugh, the game. It’s tiring. I wanna just say “fuck it”, you wanna check out chicks , fine as long as you come home with me & treat me right. But I just can’t do it. I know there are men in this world that are respectful, honest & faithful. I was really hoping he was one … and I still hope he is. This is the one instance I wish I was wrong..

 

Take the leap or too soon?

As most of you know since you follow my blog, I am a tattered soul. I was lied to & cheated on by the ONE person I trusted the most & felt would never hurt me. She was the kindest, sweetest, most loving soul. I was her world. Or so I had thought. Because of this deep love & trust for her, I feel so broken, so insecure & not sure of anything. I can be madly happy & feel love and minutes later second guessing everything & feeling like the world is out to get me.

As stated in my last blog, I met a guy. Or should I say “re-met” a guy. We had a “one weekend stand” 26 years ago when we were 18. Now I call it a “one weekend stand” because it was a weekend party that entailed a few sexual encounters between us. Sad part? I didn’t remember that. I knew we had hooked up… once. He says it was like 3 or 4 times over the weekend. Oops, my bad. In my defense, it was 26 years ago, it was a PARTY so duh there was alcohol (and stupidity) involved and thirdly (and I so don’t mean this rudely) but I wasn’t that into him. Now I say that because I didn’t know him, barely at all. In school I barely knew he existed. He was quiet, shy, nerdy, picked on & he dropped out our Junior year to go to military school. So I truly had no idea this kid existed. But now, I’m glad we got drunk & hooked up… and how many people can say that? LOL

In short, when I saw him that weekend he had, well let’s just say “grown up”… 2 years did him wonders & honestly he was HOT! I was young & was looking for a little fun. After that weekend, we never really spoke. We were “around” each other once in awhile because he was friends with my ex-husband. Over the years, I will admit if I saw him on FB I would get that “feeling”, whatever that was, not sure but knew there was something, I guess you could say an attraction, an interest in what he was up to. I’m not sure, but there was something there.

Fast forward 26 years later. Like I said, I didn’t really know anything about him. I think I had thoughts & ideas of what he was like but those were just made up in my head of the way I perceived him to be.

Right now there’s a huge attraction & yes it’s physical. I’ve been with a woman for 15 years, of course the thought of being with a man is a thrill ride. I will admit, I always craved the male anatomy & the ex wasn’t very adventurous so I was not fulfilled in that department & as time went on that department dwindled.

Putting the “can’t get enough nookie” aside, I often question if we are compatible. There are many things I love about him. He’s very communicative, he expresses his feelings & talks about anything & everything without hesitation. I am someone who needs that, I need deep conversations, I like to know everything about someone, good or bad. He has a rough past. Family wise & his own personal history. Back in the day he would have been considered one of the “bad boys” which is what I always found myself attracted to. But I’ve “been there, done that” with my ex husband. He liked drinking & partying more than being a husband and a father so after 11 years, I walked away. Then 3 days later (yes 3 days) I found my ex partner. She was stability, comfort, trustworthy & just my best friend. We did EVERYTHING together, to the point many said it was unhealthy. She was not a deep talker though & obviously she didn’t express her feelings when things weren’t going well, but we lasted 15 years so that says something. I truly loved the relationship for the most part. She & I just connected, had fun & had lots of love. So I went from a wild, unfaithful relationship with a man to a comforting, calm, loving relationship with a woman. And during that time I felt that was what I needed & wanted in a relationship.

Now, I feel I want a mix of both. When I sit back & analyze my very “homey” life with her it was stable but kind of boring. We had the steady careers, home bodies, health nuts, home owners, etc all the stuff people want in life. But I still have an adventurous side (I’m a Sagittarius) I like to let loose, have fun, be social. She was not so much like that. She was a health nut aka personal trainer. We had our own home gym where she trained & we worked out very regularly. I liked it but it seemed to take precedence over more fun things in life. Some days I just wanted to go home, slink into our jammies, eat “bad” food & binge watch Netflix. I also am a smoker & like to have an occasional drink, and when I say “occasional” I mean if I want to come home & have a glass or 2 of wine, then that’s what I want to do. But I felt she was judgmental. She didn’t like that I smoke, which I get but we all have our vices. I’ve smoked since I was 16. She was not big on drinking, she tended to get tense around people when they drank. She always choose to be the “responsible” one though many times we’d say we could Uber or choose a DD. She would take on that responsibility then tend to make comments that made it sound like she HAD to be that way because no one else would take responsibility.

I didn’t spend the time that I would have liked to with my family & son. My son & her did not get along (both Taureans) they tried for years but there just was no connection & a lack of respect. She was strict & I was not. She tried to push her standards on me & him and often times I had to make a choice between the 2 and no matter what I choose, I was wrong & would pay for it. I have 2 younger sisters, they like to hang out, have some drinks, go out… often times I wouldn’t go or sometimes not even be asked because they knew better, because she was a homebody. Going out on a weekday was “against the rules”. Staying out late, getting crunk, calling an uber was “irresponsible”. So when I look back, I realize how much I was “held back” from having fun with my family. Many of them now describe her as uptight, closed-off… boring. And in some ways, judgmental.

Now, in the 6 weeks I’ve been with my new bf, he is polar opposite. He likes to drink (more often than I care for but that will be discussed) he likes to go out, shoot pool, hang with my son & my sisters. We all get along great! They think he’s fun & nice and they bonded with him more in the past 6 weeks than any of them ever got to with her over 15 years. But is this the lifestyle I want & need? Or is it just a temporary “catching up” phase? I was prego at 20 years old therefore I didn’t get the crazy days of my 20’s. I was a mom & a very responsible one for that matter. Someone had to be. I felt I missed out a lot being a young mom, so now that my son is 23, I want to embark on those crazy days a little but also be responsible. I still need stability, financially & emotionally. I still want to workout & stay fit but also enjoy a good fattening meal now & then. I want to party like a rockstar on occasion but also have those Netflix bingeing days. And I’m just not sure I can have both sides with him, but maybe I can. I mean, we do all of the above. We go out & have a great time but also spend many nights just watching movies (he loves Disney movies too… BONUS!) but he has been single for so long (10 yrs since last gf & 20 yrs since he lived with a woman) that I’m not sure either of us are able to adjust to a life together.

I know many are saying “you rushed into this” and I do get that thinking but I am also 44 years old & if something that could be good for me & my future comes into my life, I am going to jump on that train & ride it whether it takes me to where I want to be or not, I will find out sooner or later but I don’t want to pass up an opportunity because others or even myself might think it’s “too soon”. I met my ex 3 days after I left my husband & that was a very good, long relationship, for the most part. So you never know until you give it whirl.

Here’s my issues (thank god for blogging, gets all my thoughts out) he drinks often, he does not get drunk, big difference, just daily, after work beer drinker. I actually have not seen him drunk where I have been several times so far (cut me a break, I’m still going thru a very hard separation) He has a “set” lifestyle, which I get, he’s been a bachelor for 10 years! But it makes me wonder if he is ready or truly wants a commitment. He says he does, he tells me he’s on board with this & wants to spend his life with me but is that coming from the heart or the head? And which do you listen to anymore?? Is drinking a few beers after work all that bad? Probably not to many but I think because I have never been that way it just seems odd to me, maybe it’s my alcoholic ex that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, literally because I HATE beer. Plus sometimes I feel he invests money into beer more than things he should probably put money towards. But this is the life he’s lived, he’s survived, he’s been fine and then along comes me who is like “this is how things are supposed to go”… and who am I to do that? Sometimes I think he wants to change & grow up a bit but I also feel like I’m trying to change him & that’s not fair to either of us.

He’s a very hard worker, he’s a hands on kinda guy & very good at what he does. I don’t judge that at all but wonder if this “career” will take him (us) anywhere. Financially I don’t feel he’s very stable, I know he’s getting back on his feet from living in NC for 10 years & moving back up here, so I need to be patient (which is NOT my strong suit) I don’t want a sugar daddy, I like being financially independent, I just feel he’s not financially where I need my significant other to be but I feel selfish thinking that way & say I need to give it time. I know he’s trying, I know he wants to do more & become more, so why should I roll up in there & expect him to be where I want him to be within 6 weeks? Unreasonable? Absolutely. Sure I could find someone who is already established & has means to support me but that’s not what love is to me. I believe he was brought back into my life for a reason, and this could be one. I am learning to live a less “status-y” life. No more nice big house, costly trips, shopping unnecessarily just because we wanted it. Definitely a lesson I believe I needed to learn.

He’s sweet, very sweet to me. He easily expresses his feelings, he makes me feel good about myself but yet I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s all a mind fuckery once you’re cheated on (especially more than once) I don’t trust him but yet he’s given me no reason not to. I’ve even talked with a few of his friends & they’ve all said he’s not the cheating type but he has been screwed over, just like me, by his 2 relationships so he knows how it feels. I analyze why he’s 44 and never married, does he just not want commitment, will he just run when it gets too serious? So I asked. He said he had proposed to one of his gf’s but that didn’t work out. He has never found anyone since that he wants to marry, he said he just wasn’t looking for it, had been hurt in the past & had scars from his parent’s divorce. Also said he just never found the one that he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So, I look at it as “oh he just wants options” not commitment, that’s why he’s been single so long. But that again is my fucked over mind playing tricks on me. I HATE that my past makes me feel so insecure, that is not who I am. Yet I obsess too much. Who is he talking to when I’m not around? Does he text and delete other girls? Who’s that girl in his FB friends? Did he just check that girl out? UGHHHHHHHHHHH!! That makes ME look like a fucking nut job! I’m trying not to be this way but god damn it’s so hard!

Now let’s not just hone in on the qualities I’m picking apart. He is a family man, well a mama’s boy & being that I have one of those myself, I love that trait. He’s very good to his mama, very respectful & will do anything for her. Like I said, a very dedicated worker, he doesn’t call off or slack. He loves to cook & he’s a damn good one! He’s not lazy, he takes care of things and he’s always willing to help out anyone who needs it. He’s fun & silly, he doesn’t hold back at all, and has no qualms just being himself. He’s simple, not high maintenance at all & very easy to please. He’s good to me, even at my worst. He knows I’m broken & is doing his best to roll with the punches that I’m throwing.

Traits that fall under the “can I tolerate this” category. He’s Italian, no that’s not the bad trait, he has an Italian temper. I have done & said things where I have seen his temper (not even at a max) & honestly was a little taken back. Not scared because I don’t believe he would hurt me but I’ve seen him angry & he has raised his voice at me which has NEVER happened in my 15 yr relationship so I’m REALLY not used to conflict. We rarely fought, if we did it was about my son & that hasn’t happened in a long time. So to have someone loudly voice their dismay at me is all new to me & definitely shook me a little. The “plus-ish” side is he knows he has a temper & he is trying to work on it. He does admit his faults & will apologize for reacting in a manner that is unnecessary. It still scares me a little, like I said, I haven’t had someone raise their voice let alone even argue with me for 15 years. He’s frugal, and that is very opposite of me, unfortunately a “not-so-good” trait of mine is that I over spend. I enjoy the finer things in life even when I shouldn’t. Frugal to me also means he won’t go above & beyond to spoil me & yes I mean materialistically as greedy as that sounds. I don’t need a lavish house or diamonds. But I like a man who is willing to spend a few bucks on a girl to make her feel special. And it doesn’t have to be top of the line, for example, you can pick up a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for $10, I’m not looking for the over priced roses delivered to work that could put you in debt, just a simple bouquet that says “I care & think about you”. Again, I compare too much of my ex, where she was always spending on things like that. I would find notes in my lunch, flowers on my car, little gifts stashed somewhere.

This is all a game of adjusting & trying not to compare but it’s hard. It’s like I want to take all my exes & current and squash them into one person! It’s not that he’s not good enough, not at all! I adore him & many things about him but when you’re used to living a certain way for 15 years & being treated a certain way, it’s very hard to adjust to a completely different relationship, but I guess that’s what love is all about. Loving the good & bad qualities. And honestly, if he’s faithful, trustworthy & honest and shows me he loves me, then that should be all I need, right? So why am I second guessing this? Maybe because I’m not sure I am meant to have all those things… do they truly exist in one person? Will I ever find that person? I just don’t know anymore.

 

 

 

“Once a cheater, always a cheater…”

Get comfy, grab some popcorn, this is going to be a long one.

“Once a cheater, always a cheater” I always hated this quote. Why? Well, because I was once considered a cheater. I had an online affair during my 15 year same-sex relationship. It happened early on, within the first 3 years. The person started out as a friend, she was actually good friend’s with my partner’s sister. That’s how I met her. She was very outgoing & flirtatious. Myself & my partner were strongly warned by her sister to “watch out for her”. Sadly, I didn’t listen & got sucked into her enticing ways. Two years of long distance, non-physical cheating, I felt awful. It wasn’t me, not who I was. But I still did it. Once it ended I swore I never would do that again. And I didn’t.

Today’s entry title  is how I feel though. I can’t say 100% for every person that has ever cheated, but I’m going to give it a good high percentage. As the quotes goes “The first time they show you their true colors, believe them”. Obviously, as I’m sure you can figure out, it happened again but this time she’s done. Done with me, done with our commitment, the 15 years, the home & the life we built. Devastation hit. It hit real fucking hard.

Quick recap: 4 years ago my partner/fiancee told me she wasn’t happy & needed a “break”. During this time I found that she was seeing a girl she worked with. It became somewhat physical but never full blown sex. Within a few months she got her head on straight and came back with her tail between her legs. The next 2 years were hell. She took every blow I threw at her. From calling her names, telling her I hated her, telling her to get the fuck out, etc. She groveled every day, told me she loved me, I was “her person”, she would never hurt me again, promise. She convinced me that was not who she was. It was a fluke, a life crisis. So, as anyone who truly loved someone, I opened myself to her again & trusted her. I still fought triggers nearly every day for four years, they just became less. We were happy again, maybe even closer than ever.

Then life became routine again, as many relationships do. Every day was the same. Don’t get me wrong, we still had fun. We spent much time together, some say too much. We were best friends through & through. And now I see, that was the problem. We felt we were just that, best friends, not really lovers anymore. The intimacy died down a lot. We still laughed & talked but only about little things and did what normal couples do but the spark just wasn’t there. The deep connection was lacking. But, that being said I was still happy, I knew this is where we were in life & things are always changing. We were doing things to reach our life goals & make a better living for ourselves. At least that is my thinking when it comes to relationships even when they become stagnant.

Fast forward to this year. This summer to be exact. Things were as normal, routine. Then her Aunt died of cancer, much faster than expected. It definitely took a toll on her. When we were up home for the funeral I felt things were “off” but I chalked it up to grief, I’ve been there, it truly changes you & your actions. I would find her awake often in the middle of the night which was kinda normal for her but I would find her on her phone, which was not normal. She seemed distant, as if she didn’t want me to console her, she was shutting me out, so I gave her space.

Once back home things were still off but it had only been a few days. My intuition has always been very strong & very right. So, I logged into her FB account & searched her activity log. I found many “likes” and “loves” on a certain girl’s profile that I had no idea who she was. I went to her page to find she was a newly divorcee that she worked with. I instantly got sick to my stomach. I called my bff and told her my thoughts & her exact words were “she wouldn’t do that again, give it a few days, then talk to her about it” so, being as trusting as I was I tried to ignore my gut & go about things normally.

Then it happened. The proof right in my face. The next day we returned to work & because I had logged into her fb on my phone I got a notification that said she had an IM. So, I clicked on it. It was this girl and without opening the message what I read said “I missed you more… always”. My heart raced, my knees gave out & my stomach felt like I was being punched repeatedly. I instantly called her work phone & yelled “what the fuck is going on?” She played dumb. I again said, “I’m not fucking stupid, who is this girl?” and of course I got the typical oh-fuck-I’m-busted response… “what girl? what are you talking about?” I said “Who the fuck is Jamie?” . . . silence. “I work with a Jamie” I said “and it’s more than that, you piece of fucking shit. She proceeds to call it “harmless flirting” and even has the audacity to say “don’t you ever flirt?” I said NO!!! Because I’m in a committed relationship!! Fuck you, I’m done” I hung up, fell apart, then had my kid pick me up & take me home for the day.

Without minute by minute details (as they do still hurt) when she got home, I sat down face-to-face and I calmly (and yes I was actually calm) asked her what was going on. As usual, with no eye contact, no answers & just a lack of any emotion she once again said those magic words we all love to hear “I’m just not happy anymore”. She proceeds to tell me she’s been unhappy for quite awhile. What the actual fuck. But not ONCE led me to know this in any way shape or form. Not one single sign. We actually were JUST discussing wedding plans 2 weeks before. She still told me she loved me & I was her best friend every day. She even admitted she was very good at hiding her feelings… well, then how the fuck was I to know she felt this way?! I once again didn’t even get the chance to “fix” what it was that wasn’t working for her, but ya know, I don’t even know if I could have. She obviously was not faithful & couldn’t be to save her ass.

So the promises she made over the past 4 years were bullshit. She promised to communicate if she ever felt things weren’t going well. She promised she’d never let us get to this point again. She lied. She’s a fucking coward. Instead of working on something, she would rather run & find something more exciting. That tells me a lot. Oh and she still said the same BS we love to hear, “I do love you, I’m just not happy.” Fuck you, you’re happiness is not my responsibility. I sacrificed a lot over the past 4 years to make YOU happy, but it wasn’t enough.

My world crumbled yet again. I was angry, I had so much hate for her but yet my heart still loved her. I just couldn’t shut if off no matter how much I wanted to. Deja Vu to 4 years ago, I spent days upon days crying, rehashing, blaming myself, drinking, smoking, skipping work. Yes, and that one weak moment of trying to take my life. I hate to even admit that but it’s the fucking truth. I didn’t want to feel this way again, I couldn’t do this again. She was “my person” and we were going to grow old together…….or so I had thought.

As weeks went on, I realized, this time was real. We were still in the same house (separate rooms) but she was blatantly dating this girl right before my eyes. She spent many nights not at the house. I found cards & love notes from this girl. I could hear her conversations with her late at night while I lay in bed feeling the pounding of my broken heart beating through my chest. We didn’t speak. She pulled the line “I still want to be friends some day” where I basically replied suck my ass.

I meditated every night, trying to find peace, some answers. I focused on healing me, healing this open wound that just didn’t seem to want to close. I talked to friends & family every day looking for the right advice. I asked the universe several times a day to bring her back to me. I would leave her notes telling her I loved her. Then I just kinda gave up. I knew this time was different. She was checked out, there was no communication, we barely saw each other & she reciprocated no feelings whatsoever. I had to accept it. As hard as it was, I had to tell myself that the universe had a better plan for me & though at this time I could not see what that plan was, I had to believe it. I could not let this selfish, immature, unfaithful, lying person destroy me. I was too strong of a woman. So I continued to heal myself, find who I was & what I wanted & needed out of life. It was hard as fuck. I would go from sobbing & screaming to breaking things & wishing awful things. I would one minute beg whoever was listening to bring her back to me to saying I deserve so much better and she is not for me. I was so fucked up I had no idea what I wanted.

Things progressed not in the way I had wanted, she began pushing to sell the house. This step was so huge it made me sink even deeper. I was losing so much & that’s all I could focus on. My home was the one place I felt was stable, it was my safety zone, it was mine. Then my sister said to me “it’s no longer home honey, it’s a dwelling, 4 walls, that’s it. You need to make yourself a new home” As hard as it was to hear, she was right. I spent many nights going out with friends, trust me it wasn’t like the movies where you go out & get all wild & forget your heartache and have this stellar time! Nope, I could barely muster a smile yet a conversation, but I did it. I needed to be around people, people who loved me. So I forced myself to engage as much as I could, but eventually just wanted to go home, be where I could be myself.

(I told you this was going to be long – go refill your bowl, I’ll wait)

Then on Halloween, my sister talked me into dressing up & going out. I had fun getting all dressed up but being in public, feeling so alone & sad was a struggle. I tried to smile but all I could do was suck down drinks as fast as I could hoping to lessen the pain & maybe I could enjoy just a few moments. Didn’t work. I felt like a party pooper begging my sister to go home, I just couldn’t do it. When we got back to her car my IM was blowing up “ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding” … “what the…?” she asked. I said I have no idea as I huffily grabbed my phone to find that someone saw my witch picture on FB and was giving it the heart filled eye emoji…. repeatedly. I was like “Jesus, that makes me feel good, but what the… ” and then I saw the name. It was a guy I went to high school with & more importantly I guy I hooked up with one drunken summer weekend when I was 18. His name triggered my heart a bit, a feeling my heart hadn’t felt in awhile but of course I realized I was probably just flattered to get SOME kind of attention. When you’ve been knocked this low, you are thrilled with any type of flattery.

So I went with it and I replied “hey there, thanks :)” he then said hi & that he thought I made a good looking witch. We chatted, on & on that night. He asked how “she” and I were & did we get married yet. Ugh, trigger. So I told him. He replied in a way that I needed to hear. He said he was very sorry to hear that, that I deserved so much more & that I had always been a beautiful person inside & out and that this was her loss because she was lucky to have me. Honestly, at this point I was enjoying the flattery but thought nothing of it. Besides, he lived in NC and I live in PA, so what’s the point.

But he didn’t. When I made a comment he said “you do know I moved back a year ago, right?” and to my surprise, my face lit up. A huge smile came across my face. I was like “why am I smiling, this guy was a 26 year ago hook up that he probably doesn’t even remember!!” I barely remembered! I just knew it happened.

A few days of chatting & he said “if you ever need a shoulder or just want to get out, give me a holler, maybe we can grab a drink”. Uh ok, not ready for all that but thanks. Two days later, after dinner with a friend, I messaged him & said I was heading to a local bar for a drink if he wanted to meet up, I didn’t want to go home. I hated being there & feeling so lonely. He said “give me 30 minutes and I’ll be there” OH. MY. GOD, Becky!! I was literally giddy! And nervous and like WHAT THE FUCK I’M NOT READY TO DATE!!! Then I had to say “Whoaaaa crazy train, you’re just meeting the guy for a drink, calm down, there’s no need to be a hot mess (more than you are!)” Fix your make-up, adjust the boobs & just RELAX!!

He pulled up next to me. My heart was racing as I stepped out of my car, and it was just because I hadn’t met ANYONE, especially a guy, out for a drink in YEARS… 15 to be exact. It almost felt wrong. Like I was doing something wrong. It had been 2 months of missing my smile, missing my spark, not being able to laugh & I just felt “good-ish” for once. I mean, he asked me to grab a drink, no biggie, sure he does this all the time.  So he stepped out & lord I forgot how tall he was (then again we were horizontal last I saw him) he walked up to me, hugged me & then smiled. And BAM my heart went ape shit. It was the smile, I remember that smile. That’s what hooked me 26 years ago. Those fucking adorable dimples♥ Don’t get me wrong, I can’t remember if I was truly interested in him like relationship wise, all I know is after that weekender, we never really spoke much. But as he reminds me, I ended up marrying one of his good friends. Oops.

So we go in, sit down, order a few drinks & the rest is a blur. No, not because I was drunk (definitely feeling good) but because we just talked & laughed and played the jukebox of old songs we knew. He played a few songs from this band I love that not many people have heard of, Volbeat. When he played it, I was like “OMG I love this band” and he said “I know” with those adorable dimples popping out at me. I said “what do you mean, you know?” and he says “Don’t you remember years ago on FB I posted their new album & you commented that you liked them, so I ended up sending you some songs from the new album” Damn, I have such a horrible memory so I was like “not really, sorry” and he said “I remember a lot” *insert shitty grin here*  . . .  Gulp, please don’t say it, please don’t say it, please don’t….

Yep he remembered. “So do you not remember hooking up 26 years ago?” I think my internal temp rose to 200 degrees instantly, I could feel my cheeks get flushed & this big, silly ass grin across my face. “Yea, I remember” sadly, I didn’t remember as much as HE did! I thought it was just once…. one encounter. He said, no it was like a weekend thing & it happened several times. Man, don’t I feel like a slut… with memory loss! He remembered exactly how it happened too….See, I was friends with his sister. In school, I didn’t really know he existed. He was your average height, chubby-ish, got picked on a lot kind of kid. Then he disappeared our Junior year. His twin sister was still there, but he wasn’t & honestly I never gave it a second (or first for that matter) thought.  Then right after H.S. his sister threw a big house party for the weekend when their parents went away. I didn’t even think about her having a brother, I knew there would be guys there but was just going to get my drink on. Then it happened. I remember this really good looking, tall, really fit guy standing there. I looked at her and literally said “Who is THAT?” and with a bit of disgust on her face she whips her head around & barks “that’s my brother”. HUH? Wait, did you have more than 1 one brother? That can’t be… it’s not… what? She says “He just got back from military school” and that was it. I literally (god I’m such a slut) said, “Tell your brother I’ll be in his room waiting” and I walked up to his bedroom. WTF?! Who am I? Did I not have ANY class?! I’m not even that forward now!! And that’s basically what happened, against her better judgment she told him & the rest is history.

He now tells me I broke his heart. God I’m an asshole, too. I told him I didn’t know how that was since we were just having some fun. He said “maybe you were, but after that weekend, I was totally into you”… I asked why he didn’t tell me & he said when he told his sister that he liked me she said “She’s dating your friend, you know?” He didn’t know but said he wouldn’t disrespect his friend so he never told me. Then I spent 11 years with his friend, had a kid & got married. So as anyone would, he moved on…. carrying that ever lit torch.

Now here we are, 26 years later and the butterflies, which I haven’t felt in years, were present & fluttering the fuck everywhere. Was I scared? Hell yea. Was I afraid he was a rebound? Hell yea. Was he afraid he was a rebound? Fuck yea. But in the end, we didn’t care. We threw caution to the wind & rekindled what we never got to fully experience. And honestly, I’m really happy. I am still in the midst of the “divorce” and selling the house. I still have pain & hurt and he knows this & he is very understanding. He knows I have trust issues, that I’m insecure now, that I am just waiting for another heart break. But again, we just don’t care. We are doing what feels right, what makes us both happy and seeing where this leads. So many people say “take it slow, be careful, you need to heal”… look I get all that but when my life took a HUGE shit, it wasn’t slow. It crashed in a blink of an eye, no warning, no discussion, no closure, just a big FUCK YOU. So you know what, at this stage in my life, I don’t care what pace I go at as long as I’m enjoying the ride.

I’m scared SHITLESS to get my heart broken again but you can’t not ever love again because one asshole broke your heart. All muscles heal, the heart included. He is slowly helping me piece it back together. It’s different. Not like I’ve never been with a man, I was married & have a son. She actually was the only woman I had ever been with. It’s just adjusting to life with a man versus a woman is different in so many ways, but many which are good. Let’s be honest, I kinda missed …well, ya know #backontheweeniewagon

What I learned, heartache sucks big hairy balls. Cheaters suck. Love can suck too, but as they say “love doesn’t suck, heartache sucks”. I’m willing to try again, I do deserve an honest, loving, faithful relationship where 2 people communicate whether good or bad. So far, he has communicated with me more than she did in 15 years. I will always carry a small piece in my heart for her, it was 15 years for goodness sake, but I don’t feel I love her anymore. She became someone I didn’t know & someone I wouldn’t love from the start if she had shown her true colors.

In the end, I thank her for walking away. I thank her for allowing me to find what I truly need & deserve in my life. I thank her for the good times, the good years & the love we did have. Many things I will miss, but at least I had it to miss it. Who knows where this relationship will go but it may be the one I was destined to have & thanks to her, I’m going to find out.

PS… I HIGHLY believe in Karma 🙂 #sitbackandwait

 

3 years, 3 months… no more counting

Truthfully, I’m not sure why I’m writing on here. I “forgot” this site awhile ago. Seems a year-ish to be exact. I thought about deleting it. Then I thought, why don’t I write about where I am today. I read a few blogs today (briefly cuz I don’t want sucked in) and I still see others suffering & it makes my heart ache for them.

Am I 100% healed? No. I don’t think we ever are. We move on, life can become good again but we’ll never fully heal. It’s like death. We adapt, life continues but the ache & void will always be there, it will never go away. Your Pre-Affair relationship is like a death, it’s gone, it’ll never be the same.

This year, dates came & went and I didn’t give them a second thought. Not D-Day, not the day it happened, nothing. Here & there it would pop in my head but the thought was more “Oh, it’s such & such date & I didn’t think about those bad days”. Yes, it still jogs my memory every once in awhile but it doesn’t stay. I don’t allow it to.

Lets compare things a little, good & bad.

The good:

Most anger is gone. Mind movies aren’t there. Triggers are less & less effective. Want for revenge has subsided. The insecurities have lessened, not faded completely. The worry of repetition is much less, almost moot. No longer feel the need to play detective, read text, log into her FB, know who she’s talking to. I’m comfortable being myself, such as no make-up, messy hair, noshing on Oreos. I no longer feel the need to beautify myself in her presence. I enjoy my days without reliving the past. I realize that no one is void from fucking up, it can happen. I realize I cannot do/say as I please with no repercussions. I can say words like “cheat” without my mind going into tornado mode & ruining the day. I’m more aware of my actions & how they affect her.

The bad:

Not much to list here to be honest. The fun, crazy sex has definitely subsided, bummer. I feel we have become somewhat routine again. The small things we/she did to “prove” herself have lessened but not to say she’s not caring or attentive. The name still makes me sick & hate to hear it, always will.

Bottom line, we can survive. I also know that every situation is different. Everything plays a part. The people, the events, the intensity, emotions, stability, etc. Thankfully we were a stable couple, it wasn’t an ongoing affair, full blown sex didn’t happen, the OW is not a thought or a threat.

I read the other stories & I feel sick & sad for them. My situation could have been worse, not to say it didn’t hurt like a mother, but it could have been worse. I’m not struggling anymore. I am happy. I still feel some resistance some days from myself but I believe that will continue to subside as time goes on.

I have to say, if I hadn’t improved, after 3 years, I think it would have been time to give up. No fault of my own, we can only handle what we can handle. There would come a time to walk away & find a new, happy life. I’m glad to say that isn’t my situation.

Hugs to those who are still in the turmoil & struggle. My heart goes out to you♥